Old and New Jokes

So they can see who theyre retreating from.

Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way…now hes succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

Una señora, harta de que su marido siempre llegaba muy borracho a quererle hacer el amor, se va a la cantina y se toma de un jalón media botella de tequila; allí se espera hasta que se siente ebria.

Llega a su casa sabiendo que su marido ya está dormido. Se mete al baño y agarra un desodorante de bolita destapado y se le va encima al hombre, picándolo con el desodorante en la cara, en el pecho, en las piernas, (el hombre asustado intenta defenderse) en la espalda, en las nalgas, hasta que el marido reclama:

¡Vieja pendeja! ¿Qué te pasa, eh? ¿Te volviste loca?

La esposa, achispada, le contesta:

¡Esto, cabrón, es para que sepas lo que se siente que te quieran coger a las dos de la mañana… Y BORRACHO!

Estaban dos gallinas en el granero discutiendo sobre cuál de las dos ponía el huevo mayor.

La primera dijo:

Co, co, co, co. A que yo te gano.

Sí, pues a ver.

Entonces la primera, azuzada, puja y puja y, ¡plug!, pone un huevo de 10 cm de diámetro.

Ja, pues ahorita verás, dice la otra gallina.

Y puja, puja, y puja, y pone un huevo de 20 cm de diámetro.

Je, je, je, ¿cómo te quedó el ojo?

Y a ti, ¿cómo te quedó el culo?

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Quote from the Boss… I didnt say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. Thats because its unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too … but at least I respect him.

Hes given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: Im sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

HR Manager to job candidate I see youve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means youre under-qualified for our entry level positions.

Quote from telephone inquiry Were only hiring one summer intern this year and we wont start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss daughter finishes her summer classes.

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he?s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

My darling, he writes, it looks like we?re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I?m starting to miss you and we?re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation?s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them.

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, Why don?t you learn to play this?

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. Darling he says, I can?t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. First, let?s see how well you play that harmonica.

If there was a bi-sexual pride parade, would it go both ways?

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, Dad, what happened to the birdie?

His dad told him, Son, the bird died and went to heaven.

Then the boy asked, Did God throw him back down?

Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

Maybe, what made them sick?