Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the Blondes cheer?
A: Im blonde, Im blonde, Im B.L.O.N….ah, oh well.. Im blonde, Im blonde, yea yea yea…

There is nothing so asinine that it wont be used in a TV commercial.

Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?

A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven.

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, Sounds very useful, very good–you can go in too.

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

Well, whats that? asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved.

Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too.

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.



As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.



Gasping for breath, she replied, When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured Id better run too!

Your momma so stupid that when she goes on wheel of fortune she buys

a seven!

Chip – Yer cusins uncles mothers boyfriends name.

Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldnt the guys at SETI like to know *that*!

Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.

There was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didnt believe her but she told him, Honey, Im a butcher. I should know.

But he still wouldnt listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, Honey, is everything okay. Youve been in there for a while.

He replied, Yeah, everythings fine.

5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, So did your guts come out like I said they would?

He replied, Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!

Jaimito corre a informarle a la madre:

Mamá, mamá, yo vi a papá haciendo algo con la sirvienta.

Sí, ¿y qué más?

Bueno, él la estaba besando y tocándola; luego fueron al despacho, la montó en el escritorio, le quitó la ropa interior y le metió el…

Bien, hijo, este domingo, en la cena familiar, se lo cuentas a todos para que lo sepan.

Llega el domingo por la noche, toda la familia está sentada dispuesta a cenar, y le dice la madre a Jaimito que lo cuente.

Mi papá estaba besando a la sirvienta y tocándola; luego se la llevó al despacho, la montó encima del escritorio, le quitó la ropa interior y le metió el… el… Mami, ¿cómo se llama lo que tú le chupas al chofer?