Old and New Jokes

She had a hard time getting dates in the Lebanese restaurants.

Men miss them all

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear,Who BUYS this crap anyway?

15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim youre taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, Wow,Magic!

20. Put M&Ms on layaway.

21. Move Caution: Wet FLoor signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying , …Im Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they spell hello upside down.

29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?

41. Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. Re-alphebetize the CDs in electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.

47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream,No,no! Its those voices again!

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: He shouldnt have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Theodore!
Thedore who?
Theodore is shut, please open it!

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. Who are they? he asked.

Ah, said Yeltsin, those are our economists!

But I thought this parade was military… said Clinton, confused.

Mr. Clinton, said Gorbachev, have you SEEN the damage those men can do?

Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter S on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter S. Johnny raises his hand and says Me me me me.

The teacher says to herself no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.

So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.

Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter f up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying ME me me. She says Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.

Franklin says funny teacher.

Very good Franklin.

This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter R up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.

Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter R?. Yes. Johnny says.

Rats. teacher.

Very good Johnny.

Then he said big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.

The teacher faintede.

Q. What do you call 20 lesbians in a closet?

A. A licker cabnet.

One day Little Red Riding Hood decided to go to Grandmothers house when she was stopped by her mother, heading out the door.

Her mom says, Red, you better be careful out there, the Big Bad Wolf might find you, and hell flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys, and bang your little red socks off.



Red smiles Dont worry mom, ill be alright.





She dosent get within a mile to her grandmas house, and suddenly stopped, by the rabbit.



The rabbit says, Red, watch out, the wolfs after you, and hell flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys, and bang your little red socks off.



Red smiles and says Dont worry rabbit, ill be careful.





A little closer to grandmas house until she was stopped again, this time, the squirrel pops out of the bushes and runs out of breath to her.



He says Red, you better run, the wolf is near, and hell pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys and bang your little red socks off.



Red becomes angry, and says Dont worry, ill be fine.





Red stops for a second to cool off, and looks over her left shoulder to find the wolf starring at her. He walks over to her and says, Red, i warned you, ive got you where i want you, and now im going to flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys and bang your little red socks off.



So he throws her on the ground and flips up her little red dress and pauses. He looks up to find Red with a gun in her hand.



She points it directly at his head and says No wolf, your going to eat me like the book says.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of
every attempt to teach them good manners.