For those of you that might not have heard the REAL story of Christmas, enjoy!
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, everyone into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should deliver. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddled clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, Let us go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which has come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.
And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.
Luke 2:1-20, KJV
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
Thered be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
Thered be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
Ill be alone, my computer and me.
I wont race to the window, to see him arrive.
Ill just sit right here….. with windows ninety-five.
Theres no one I know, as Im surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all thats about.
As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didnt expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didnt, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, its the first time, shed ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on… tonight.
Hes away on some business; Hell be gone all night.
So, she thought shed use it, I guess its all right.
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me…… she was oversexed.
She didnt have sex, with her husband, she told.
Hes always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldnt go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldnt mind, meeting her here.
She said, only…. on this night, she could be found.
It is only…. this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off…..and I had to pause.
I think I just cybered……..with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!
Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking.
Hercules says, I think Im the strongest man in the world but it hasnt been proven yet.
Snow White says I think Im the fairest lady in the land but it hasnt been proven yet.
Quasie says I think Im the ugliest,meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasnt been proven yet.
The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says, Its true Im the strongest man in the world for God told me so.
Snow White says Its true Im the fairest lady in the land for God told me so.
Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?
A blonde tried to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.
That doesnt matter, replied the blonde, if I only can sell the car.
Okay, said the brunette. Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, Did you sell your car?
No, replied the blonde, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A little red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Un negrito está con su novia y con el padre de ella viendo televisión. En eso el padre de la muchacha se queda dormido y ella le dice: ¡Arriba mi negrito! Aprovecha y haz lo que más te gusta hacer!
Y el negro se levanta, le roba al viejo la cartera, el reloj y hasta la fosforera ¡y se manda a correr!
Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!
-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry Im late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-Im sorry officer, I didnt realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesnt come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesnt like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think hes sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while Im on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang its head out.
YO MAMA IS SO THUMB THAT SHE
STOLD FREE BREAD FROM THE
7 11.
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you havent got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the persons chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you dont hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.
Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.
When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. Clouds are high flying fogs.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?
Answer: I have never performed this experiment.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.
There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
Lime is a green tasting rock.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you dont why you should.
When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we wont drown when we breathe.
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.
Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with cant eat or do ,anything, until he knows for sure.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I havent had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?
Unless I get my husbands money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. Ive been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesnt do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
A man and a woman are in an elevator. All of a sudden the elevator stops and the fire alarm goes off.
The woman starts to have a break down and say to the man, I wish I could feel like a woman one last time.
The man automatically rips his shirt off throws it to the floor and says, now fold it!