Old and New Jokes

Banta bought a brand new maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar to Jalandhar to meet his friend.He reached Jalandhar in a few hours. After spending a few days there he decided to return and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didnt reach Amritsar that evening and not even the next day.

When he finally reached home on the third day his distraught mother ran out hugged him an asked,Arre puttar kya hoya?? Banta got out tired and said, Oy ye Maruti wale pagal hain, agge janne ke leye chaar gear banaate hain aur pichche jane ke leye sirf ek!

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isnt sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, Three times youve sneezed and three times youve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?

The woman replies, Im sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, Ive never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?

The woman looks at him and says, Pepper.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didnt allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
Just watch me and follow my lead, he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, Im sorry but I cant let you in here.

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, Why not?

The bartender replied, Well, we dont allow dogs into the bar.

But this is my seeing eye dog, the guy said.

Oh, Im sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he cant let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

But this is my seeing eye dog, said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, What? They gave me a Chihuahua?

Llegan unos recién casados maracuchos a un hotel y la inocente muchacha se dirige al marido:

Mi amor, yo no sé de estas cosas, así que me vais a tener que enseñar.

Mi vida, a partir de este momento a tu cosita le vamos a llamar la prisión y a éste que tengo entre las manos le vamos a llamar el prisionero, así que vamos a meter al jodío prisionero a prisión.

Después del primero, el tipo se tira boca arriba en la cama, pero la muchacha queda entusiasmada:

Mi amor, el prisionero está fuera de la prisión.

El esposo no muy entusiasmado le contesta:

Vamos a meterlo a prisión otra vez.

Y siguen con el segundo. Pero la muchacha es bastante golosa e insiste:

Mi vida, el prisionero está fuera otra vez.

Como puede el tipo se levanta, con las piernas temblándole y se va por el tercero. Termina y se tira en la cama, exhausto. La mujer vuelve a la carga:

Papi, el prisionero se volvió a salir.

¡No jodas, pero tampoco es que vamos a darle cadena perpetua!

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

The light bulb seems to working fine on our system…

Procrastinate now!

A blonde and redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the six oclock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
 

 
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that the guy wouldnt jump, and the redhead replied, Ill take that bet!
 

 
The man jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50.
 

 
The redhead said, I cant take this, youre my friend.
 

 
The blonde said, No, a bets a bet.
 

 
So the redhead said, Listen, I have to admit, I saw this story on the five oclock news, so I really cant take your money.
 

 
The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought hed jump again!

Offensive to native Alabamans (but, then again, it could be Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state)

1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off.
2. Youve ever used lard in bed.
3. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors doeuvre.
4. You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment.
5. Less than half the cars you own run.
6. Your mother doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
7. The primary color of your car is BOND-O.
8. Directions to your house include turn off the paved road.
9. You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures.
10. Your family tree doesnt fork.
11. Your wifes hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
12. Youve ever hollered rock the house, Bubba during a piano recital.
13. Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
14. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
15. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
17. The diplomas hanging in your den include The Trucking Institute.
18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
19. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
20. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
21. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
22. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack.
23. Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
24. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
25. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
26. You use a rag for a gas cap.
27. Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor.
28. Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs.
29. Youve ever won a spitting contest.
30. You answer more than half the questions asked you with Do What?
31. Youve actually created new meaning for the term Stump Broke.
32. Your wife has better tatoos than you do.
33. Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag.

Remember, if you understood more than half of these, you just might be a Red Neck yourself!