Old and New Jokes

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

This is Capt Johnson. Were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, first Im gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old ladys bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, No need to run, dear, hes gotta take a shit first!

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:



Congressional Virus v 2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.



Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.



Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.



New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.



Warren Commission Virus : Wont allow you to open your files for 75 years.



David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.



Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.



Texas Virus : Makes sure its bigger than any other file.



Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.



Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.



Airline Virus : Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.



Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.



PBS Virus : Your PC stops what its doing every few minutes to ask for money.



Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.



Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.



Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.



LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defence.



Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, I am saved! to the screen.



Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus wont harm your PC, but it will trash your car.



And finally…



JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Who!
Who who?
You sound like an owl!

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.

Because you better or Ill kick your ass.

You might be a redneck if…
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every morning a man takes the ferry to work. One morning he woke up, and had no electricity. He had no idea what time it was, and he thought that he was late for work. So he quickly got dressed, ate breakfast, and rushed out the door. He got to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. So he got a running head start, and jumped as far as he could, and luckily landed on the boat. The captain of the boat saw his commotion, and said to him, You know, if you had waited five minutes, we would have been in.

(This joke courtesy of orchestral trumpeter Michael Bowman)

A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three
were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which
of them was the greatest.

Well, said the judge, my position is one of dignity and power. When
I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says All rise! and all the people
stand to pay me honor.

Thats very nice, said the bishop. People stand in your honor; but
when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they
address me as Your Holiness.

The conductor snorted and said, I think I got you both beat; when I
step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their
hands over their eyes, and say Oh, my God!