Old and New Jokes

Había una vez un colombiano que llegó a un país extraño. Como no se había dado cuenta que en ese país hablaban también el español fue a la embajada colombiana y le preguntó a un señor:

Oiga, en este pais como se dice mesero.

El otro, para burlarse de él, le dice: Marica.

¿Cómo se dice plato de comida?

Plato de mierda.

¿Cómo se dice dinero?

Pelos en la verga.

¿Cómo se dice policía?

Hijueputa.

Llega a un restaurante y le dice al mesero: Marica, marica, venga.

Entonces el mesero le dice: Respete, señor.

Me da un plato de mierda.

Aquí no vendemos eso.

En eso va pasando un policía y le grita:

¡Hijueputa, hijueputa, venga! ¡Es que este marica no me quiere dar un plato de mierda aunque yo tengo muchos pelos en la verga!

Yo mamas so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.

Yo mamas so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas English Muffin.



Yo mamas so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.



Yo mamas so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers.



Yo mamas so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.



Yo mamas so bald, I can read her mind.



Yo mamas so poor, the only time she smelled hot food was when a rich man farted



Yo mamas so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.



Yo mamas so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.



Yo mamas so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.



Yo mamas so poor, she married young just to get the rice!



Yo mamas teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.



Yo mamas got so many teeth missing it looks like her tongue is in jail.



Yo mamas so fat, GOD couldnt lift her spirit.



Yo mamas like mustard, she spreads easy.



Yo mamas so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.



Yo mamas so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.



Yo mamas like a race car driver… she burns a lot of rubbers.



Yo mamas so ugly, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.



Yo mamas so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes.



Yo mamas so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.



Yo mamas so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!



Yo mamas like the Pillsbury dough boy – everybody pokes her.



Yo mamas so old, her birth-certificate expired.



Yo mamas like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.



Yo mamas so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.



Yo mamas glasses are so thick she can see into the future.



Yo mamas hair is so short, it looks like stiches.



Yo mamas so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.



Yo mamas so old, when she was in school there was no history class.



Yo mamas so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF …

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in half orders instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

Its dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

Communication is something your group is having problems with

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as cant walk or youre in the hospital

Art involves a white board

Youre already late on the assignment you just got

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say Oh wow, thanks!

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers

Your boss favorite lines are, When you get a few minutes or When youre freed up

Your boss second favorite lines are, …this isnt exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as works with computers

Change is the norm

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

You read this entire list and understood it.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hubie!
Hubie who!
Hubie-ginning to see the light!

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

Beer: Natures laxative.

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.

You can identify an Ohio accent.

Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.

You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

The Big Mac is something that you drive across.

You believe that down south means Toledo.

You bake with soda and drink pop.

You drive 86 on the highway and you pass on the right.

Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.

You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.

You know how to pronounce Mackinac.

The word thumb has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.

You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.

You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isnt far from Hell.

Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, deer season, and Devils Night.

Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.

At least one person in your family disowns you during the Michigan/Michigan State football game.

Your year has two seasons: Winter and Construction.

You know what a millage is.

Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.

Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand.

Rudolph the Red-turbaned Ayatollah

Kwanza Klaus is Coming to Town

Dont ask, Dont tell: Santas new Elf Policy

Whats a Buddhist to Dodist time of Year?

Tim Burtons Its a Wonderful Life II – staring Dr. Jack Kevorkian

The Ghost of Chanukahs Past

A Very Brady Kwanza

March of the Toy Iraqi Soldiers

A Charlie Brown Non-Secular, Atheist, Holiday Gathering

How the Grinch Stole Ramadan

© Daily Wonk Lists 2001

What do you call the owner of an American-made car?

A pedestrian.

Theres a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In


Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it


graduates from medical school.