A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and says, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half. The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, About 2 hours. The guy leaves.A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around and says, About an hour and a half. The guy leaves.The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, Hey, follow that guy and see where he goes. When the friend returns, the barber says, Well, where did he go when he left here? The friend looks up and says, To your house, to screw your wife.
Heard on a late night comedy show …
Democrats see the glass of water as half empty.
Republicans see it and say, Who the hell drank half my water?!
Seen on a computer list…
Ladies and Gentlemen, call your agents…
Story of Germanys little-known WWII submarine computer support staff: DOS Boot
An animated Disney feature about Mickeys wild bachelor years: Mouse Pad
A coming of age film about high school athletes looking for dates: Trac Ball
How to Lie With Statistics goes multimedia: SAS, Lies, and Videotape
Russian twin medics: Paradox Zhivago
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler overs! before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the overs.
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game, and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you cant make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the Designated Bowler rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say Kings X and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, Fair is Fair.
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking down pins, by golly, you get them! Thats much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be properly recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball – burial at sea, dropped from an airplane into a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake."How do I get to the other side?""Duh! You ARE on the other side!"
Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation.
When theres no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach.
Unfortunately some of Rios finest, catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for lewd conduct.
Now Hosnis not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldnt do.
The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether its his first offense.
He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosnis wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.
Hosni asks the police officer why hes getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.
The cop tells him that since its a first offense, its only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, shes been caught twice before.
Un granjero tenÃa un loro como mascota, que era tan, pero tan peleador y abusivo que andaba golpeando a todos los pollitos que encontraba, hasta que un dÃa el granjero, harto de esta situación, decide encerrar al loro con dos de sus mejores gallos de pelea, y haciéndolo asà se retira a atender sus obligaciones. El loro, frente a estos dos matones enfurecidos, se ve en el final de su pobre vida…
Los gallos empiezan a atacar sin compasión al pobre loro… El lorito, en medio de la golpiza, sale disparado por una esquina, aprovecha que uno de los gallos se distrae y le mete tremendo golpe por la espalda. El gallo enfurecido voltea y ve a su compañero junto al loro moribundo. Piensa que el otro gallo se quiere pasar de vivo y le devuelve el golpe.
De esa forma los gallos se golpean hasta quedar ambos tirados en el suelo, ensangrentados…
Regresa el granjero, y se encuentra con el cuadro…Y pregunta al loro, que estaba todo desplumado: ¿Qué pasó, qué hiciste, loro? Y el loro responde: Bueno, asà soy yo cuando me quito el saco…
Va un argentino caminando y se encuentra con un amigo que le dice:
¡Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! ¿Qué contás?
Que me caso…
¿Con quién te casás?
Con la Pitisha
¡¿Con esa puta?!
Se va el argentino un poco bajoneado y se encuentra a otro amigo que le dice:
¡Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! ¿Qué contás?
Nada, que me caso.
¿Y con quién?
Con la Pitisha
¡¿Con esa puta?!
Entonces se va para un bar y se encuentra otro amigo que le dice:
¡Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! Y decime ¿qué contás?
Que me caso.
¿Con quién?
Con una puta.
¡¿Con la Pitisha?!
Log on — Make the wood stove hotter
Log off — Dont add no more wood
Monitor — Keep an eye on that wood stove
Download — Getting the firewood off the truck
Floppy disk — What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
Ram — The thing that splits the firewood
Hard drive — Getting home in the winter
Prompt — What the mail aint in the winter
Window — What to shut when its cold outside
Screen — What to shut in black fly season
Byte — What the black flies do
Bit — What the black flies did
Mega Byte — What the BIG black flies do chip Munchies for TV
Micro Chip — Whats left in the bag after you eat the chips
Modem — What you did to the hay fields
Dot matrix — Old Dan Matrixs wife
Lap top — Where the kitty sleeps
Software — The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds
Hardware — The real stainless steel cutlery.
Mouse — What eats grain in the barn
Main frame — What holds the barn up
Enter — City talk for – come on in, eh?
Web — What a spider makes
Web — Site The barn or the attic
Cursor — Someone who swears
Search Engine — What you do when the car dies
Screen Saver — A repair kit for the torn window screen
Home Page — A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field.
Upgrade — Steep hill.
Server — The person at the ABC that brings the food.
Mail Server — The guy at the ABC that brings the food.
MSDOS — Some new disease they discovered.
Sound Card — One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it.
User — The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
Browser — What they call you when your eye brows grow together.
Network — When you have to repair your fishing net.
Internet — Complicated fish net repair method.
Netscape — When a fish maneuvers out of reach.
Online — When you get the laundry hung out on the washline.
Offline — The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.
Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.