Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.

The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, Arent you having any?

The rabbi replies, No…I think Ill wait for the police.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.

Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.

But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyones done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.

43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.

44. Find a full table. Ask, Is anyone sitting under there? Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyones shoes look.

45. If sitting with someone with whom youre romantically interested, complain how the setting isnt very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partners food.

46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyones food.

48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.

49. Request a waitress.

50. Comment on how good the food is.

When your opponent is down, kick him.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. – Abba Eban

Illiterate? Write for free information.

Q: What does a chicken say when there is a fire in his coop?

A: Wheres the egg-sit?

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice then calls out One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, Dont send any more men, its a trap. Theres two of them!

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

Your honor, he said, I wanna get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine.

Why ? asked the judge. He won your acquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?

Well, your honor, replied Carlson, I didnt have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

If I wasnt under oath, Id return the compliment, replied the
witness.

Look, Im tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde,
The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).