This very old couple were sitting on the porch rocking when suddenly
the old woman knocked the old guy out of his chair and off of the
porch. He got up and dusted himself off and asked her, Why did you
hit me? She told him, It is because your dick is too small!
He sat back down and then suddenly he knocks her out of her chair and
off of the porch. She asked him, Why did you hit me? He replies,
Because after 55 years you know theres a difference!
Derrick Hamner
The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude.
Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!, the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.
So the Italian shot her.
Thats weird…
Its never done that before.
It worked yesterday.
How is that possible?
It must be a hardware problem.
What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?
Theres something funky in your data.
I havent touched that module in weeks!
You must have the wrong version.
Its just some unlucky coincidence.
I cant test everything!
This cant be the source of that.
It works, but it hasnt been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
Did you check for a virus on your system?
Even though it doesnt work, how does it feel?
You cant use that version on your system.
Why do you want to do it that way?
Where were you when the program blew up?
And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs dont work:
It works on my machine.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maybelle!
Maybelle who?
Maybelle doesnt ring either!
Yo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESNT WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESNT KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographers studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
Nobody told me.
How do you slow down a fast Arkansas woman?
Put a governor in her!
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesnt know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the waters edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do.
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the waters edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: Chapter 11.