Old and New Jokes

The little boy asked his dad one evening, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

I dont know, son, he said. Im still paying for it.

Wookie of the Year

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.



Hi, is Tony home?



No, he went to the store.



Well, you mind if I wait?



No, come in.



They sit down and the friend says You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. Id give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.



Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.



They sit there a while longer and Chris says They are so beautiful Ive got to see the both of them. Ill give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.



Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he cant wait any longer and leaves.



A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says You know, your weird friend Chris came over.



Tony thinks about this for a second and says Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?

Lately Ive noticed several nicely painted panel-vans driving around
Seattle emblazoned with, in large type:

Northwest Center For The Retarded

Pick-Up Service

followed by a phone number and–if this wasnt enough to get you
wondering–in a yellow square below:

Frequent Stops

Well, Seattles just that kind of town…

Yo mommas so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud!!

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

A: They take the psycho path.

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wifes tits and says, If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.

He grabs her butt and says, If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.

The wife grabs the farmers dick and says, And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

12. I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

11. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

10. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

Estaban Moisés, Jesús y un viejito jugando golf. Llegan a un hoyo muy difícil porque estaba un lago en el medio. Empieza Moisés y tira, la pelota viaja y cae exactamente en el lago y se hunde. Entonces Moisés camina hasta el lago y levanta el palo, hace que se abran las aguas del lago, baja hacia donde había quedado la bola y de un golpe la saca del fondo. Luego con otro tiro la mete en el hoyo. La gente le aplaude emocionada.

Después, tira Jesús. La pelota viaja otra vez y va caer en el lago, pero se detiene y queda suspendida sobre el agua. Entonces Jesús camina sobre las aguas y con un golpe preciso manda la pelota hasta el hoyo. La gente lo vitorea emocionada.

Por último, tira el viejito. La pelota va otra vez hacia el lago, y cae en él y se va hasta el fondo. De repente, sale del agua un pez con la pelota en la boca y en ese momento pasa un águila y lo pesca en pleno vuelo. El águila se aleja en el cielo con el pez en el pico y entonces una nube negra aparece y sale un rayo que cae sobre el ave y la mata. El ave suelta al pez, el pez suelta la pelota… y la pelota cae exactamente en el hoyo. Es la locura en el campo, la gente aplaude enloquecida. Todos felicitan al viejito.

Jesús se acerca al viejito y le dice: ¡Caray papá, se te fue la mano!

Aburrido, como choque de tortugas.

Bueno, como Lassie medicado.

Enredado, como pelea de pulpos.

Fácil, como la tabla del uno.

Falso, como billete de 3 dólares.

Inútil, como limpiaparabrisas de submarino.

Ocupado, como plomero del Titanic.

Peligroso, como cirujano con hipo.

Resbaloso, como teléfono de carnicero.