Old and New Jokes

One time, Mark Bookspan was calculating his finances and he screwed it all up.

Rosss Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; Dont reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara. The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, No problem!! I buy. I buy. Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France. The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build, I build. Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that shed better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis. The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, hes muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!

Ho,ho,ho!

Right up there with military intelligence

Some favorite Oxymorons

assistant supervisor
new tradition
original copy
plastic glass
uninvited guest
highly depressed
live recording
authentic reproduction
partial cease-fire
limited lifetime guarantee
elevated subway
dry lake
true replica
forward lateral
standard options
mandatory volunteer
mutual differences
nondairy creamer
open secret
resident alien
silent alarm
sports sedan
wireless cable
mercy killing
lethal assistance (Contra aid)
business ethics
friendly fire
genuine veneer
full-time day care
death benefits
holy war

A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and
says, I have to tell you something about your baby.

The woman sits up in bed and asks, Whats wrong with my baby, Doctor?
Whats wrong?

The doctor replies, Well, now, nothings wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.

The woman looks a little puzzled, A hermaphrodite… whats that?

The doctor says, Well, it means your baby has both the… er…
features… of a male and a female.

The woman turns pale. She exclaims, Oh my god! You mean it has a
penis and a brain?

Because Im a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, Ill miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because Im a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road-service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isnt running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Imlooking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.

Because Im a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.

Because Im a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like Cumin or Tofu. For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which feminine hygiene product is a euphemism.

Because Im a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because Im a guy, I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger – how the heck could HE know where were going?

Because Im a guy, there is no need to ask me what Im
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so dont.

Because Im a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when sh

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me?

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Not this time.

Había una vez un niño tan feo, pero tan feo, que un día su mamá lo llevó de camping y por la noche, los coyotes encendieron fogatas para que no se les acercara.

Estaban una vez muy aburridos un ciego, un sordo y un cojo.

De pronto, el sordo grita asustado:

¡Oigo pasos!

El ciego dice:

¡Veo una sombra!

Y el cojo sugiere:

¡Corramos!