Old and New Jokes

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says, Honey, I can explain!

As I was coming homefrom the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadnt eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you dont use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you dont use anymore.

As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, Is there anything else your wife doesnt use anymore?

How do you save a drowning lawyer?

Heard from a friend:

Two men are approaching eachother on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the
other knowingly, points at his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, Dog shit, 20 feet back.

From: General Manager
To: Departmental Heads
On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halleys Comet will be visible in this area—an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the employees in the canteen and I will show them a film of it.
===========================================
From: Departmental Heads
To: Deputy Departmental Heads
By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5p.m., Halleys Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years
===========================================
From: Deputy Departmental Heads
To: Superintendent
By the order of the General Manager, at 5 p.m. on Friday, the phenomenal Halleys comet will appear in the canteen. In case of rain in the area outside the building, the General Manager will give another order, something which occurs only once every 76 years.
===========================================
From: Superintendent
To: Foreman
On Friday at 5 p.m., the General Manager will appear in the canteen with Halleys Comet, something which happens every 76 years. But if it rains, the General Manager will order the comet into the area outside the building.
===========================================
From: Foreman
To: Team Leader
When it rains on Friday at 5 p.m., the phenomenal 76 year old Bill Halley, accompanied by his comets, will drive the General Manger through the area outside the building into the canteen.

Which condom would you use….

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carls Jr. Condom: If it doesnt get all over the place, it doesnt belong in your face…

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….

M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Deltas ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Wheres the beef?

Dennys Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder its #1

Q:What did the elephant say when it saw a dead ant?
A: DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT…….
Q: What did the elephant say when it saw a live ant?
A: It stepped on the ant and then said DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT….

How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.

Un día la mamá de Pepito le dijo que fuera a comprar huevos para el almuerzo.

Rumbo a la tienda, pasó un accidente. Pepito se asustó y se fue para la casa.

¡Mamá, mamá, atropellaron a un hombre!

Y la mamá pregunta:

Y los huevos Pepito?

¡Ah no!, eso sí que no se los vi.

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.