Old and New Jokes

It was New Years Eve … by then, actually, it was very early on New Years morning. The drunk staggered out of the mens room and wobbled his way to the bar.

I, uh, lll…, Ill ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble. The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunks sharp looking suit. Buddy, it looks to me like youve had quite enough. Why dont you call it a night and go home.

The drunk protests… N-n-no! I ca-cant. My, my wife, you, you see… She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it… She, shes gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…

Tell you what, the bartender says. You got any 20 dollar bills on you?

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… Y-yeah, I got a few…. The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!

B-br-brilliant!, the drunk exclaims excitedly. Thish jush might w-work!

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. Look at you! Youre a disgrace! Look at what youve done to your new suit!

N-no hunnybunsh, the drunk stammers… Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened…

The wife looks in the drunks pocket and pulls out the money.

Wait a minute… the wife says, there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains… Wha-wha… Well thass because after he puked on me, he … he took a crap in my pants!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

Would you mind telling me, Doctor, she asked, how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

Thats easy, he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.

What sort of question would you ask Doctor?

Well, you might ask them…

Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –

You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I dont know much about history.

(DOH!)

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guys ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit.

The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patients ass.

After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, Wheres my cookie!? WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

yo mumma so fat, she got run ova by a parked car

OK, lets consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earths surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

FLORIDA: If you think we cant vote, wait till you see us drive.FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.FLORIDA: We count more than you do.FLORIDA: If you dont like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.FLORIDA: Weve been Gored by the bull of politics and were Bushed.FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.FLORIDA: We dont just cheat in football.FLORIDA: Were number one! Wait! Recount!FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.FLORIDA: We put the duh in Florida.FLORIDA: This isnt good when Alabama counts faster than us!FLORIDA: Once is never enough!FLORIDA: We would do a recount but weve run out of fingers and toes!FLORIDA: Dont blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.FLORIDA: Dont blame me, my vote didnt count.FLORIDA: Were retired –no wait– were retarded!FLORIDA: Dont count on us!FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.



Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly…make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.



On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?



Youre going to die, she replied.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry.


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Ma. Guess which one Im going to marry.


She immediately replies, The red-head in the middle.


Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you know?


I dont like her.

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his legs.

That was the good news.

The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldnt move.

Oh, Lord, the preacher prayed, Im so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish … Please make a Christian out of that bear thats coming at me. Please, Lord!

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preachers feet.

Dear God the bear said, Bless this food I am about to receive …

None, the power should be back on any minute anyway