Old and New Jokes

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Alrght, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

A woman went to her doctor in a panic.

Doctor, you must help me, she sobbed, please put my mind at rest.. Is it possible to become pregnant from anal sex..? The doctor leaned back in his chair and said, You foolish woman – of course it is. Where do you think lawyers come from…?

99 Bottles of Beer song gets stuck in an infinite loop



At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.



Internet Movie Database now lists 1901: A Space Odyssey.



Bob Doles age erroneously listed with only two digits.



Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.



Software engineers point out that since computers think its almost 1900, we technically have to party like its 1899 (which, frankly, doesnt seem like that much fun).



Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the Gatesian Calendar.



Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.



Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.



Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonalds restaurants.

You wont skid if you stay in a rut.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. Its easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, youd be paranoid too.

A: A foursome.

They say that men only think about sex. Thats not exactly true.

They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

December 26, 1999

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that Im writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

Im not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!

That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadnt fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he cant even walk into his house.

Dont let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. Ill fuck you up. Ill throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so youll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didnt get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year youll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

In the back woods of Kentucky, the rednecks wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing.

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think theres yet another one to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. No, no, dont be in a hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems theres yet another one in there! cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, You reckon its the light thats attractin em?

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise________ Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush -75

Jumping to conclusions – 100

Climbing the walls – 150

Swallowing your pride – 50

Passing the buck – 25

Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) – 50-300

Dragging your heels – 100

Pushing your luck – 250

Making mountains out of molehills – 500

Hitting the nail on the head – 50

Wading through paperwork – 300

Bending over backwards – 75

Jumping on the bandwagon – 200

Balancing the books – 25

Running around in circles – 350

Eating crow – 225

Tooting your own horn – 25

Climbing the ladder of success – 750

Pulling out the stops – 75

Adding fuel to the fire – 160

Wrapping it up at the days end – 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms – 50

Putting your foot in your mouth – 300

Starting the ball rolling – 90

Going over the edge – 25

Picking up the pieces after – 350