Old and New Jokes

-I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.

YO MAMMAS SO FAT:

-she was mistaken for gods bowling ball.

-when her beeper goes off, people think shes backing up

-she had to go to Sea World to get babtised

-she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

-her favorite dress is a tent

-she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops

-she has to iron her pants on the driveway

-she needs a building permit for her girdle

-she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring

-she puts on tampons with a bazooka

-she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller

-she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon

-she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out

-she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel

-she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar

-when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washingtons nose

-the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion… Your pecker is always harder when youre away from home.

What would happen if we priced our COWS using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a CAR?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One

day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over

to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

BASIC COW………………………………………….$499.9

Shipping and handling…………………………………35.75

Extra Stomach………………………………………….79.25

Two Tone Exterior……………………………………142.10

Produce Storage Compartment…………………..126.50

Heavy Duty Straw Chopper………………………..189.60

Four Spigot/High Output Drain System………….149.20

Automatic Fly Swatter…………………………………88.50

Genuine Cowhide Upholstery………………………179.90

Deluxe Dual Horns……………………………………..59.25

Automatic Fertilizer Attachment……………………339.40

4X4 Traction Drive Assembly………………………884.16

Pre-delivery Wash and Comb………………………..69.80

______________________________________________

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: …….$2,843.3

Additional Dealer Adjustments: ……………………….300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options)………$3,143.36

Q: Why do men sit with their legs wide open? A: So their brains can breathe.

It seems that a young man volunterred for military service during
World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent
right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on
the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down
6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese
planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the
carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
said, Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?

The captain replied, You make one velly impoltant mistake!

Here is an easy way to make money from the post office.


Buy an Helium filled floating party balloon and write your address on it.


Go to the post office and say you want to post the balloon.


Tie the balloon onto the weighing scale and ask for the postage cost.


The floating balloon will make the scale read below zero.


The post office would thus pay you money for posting it.


You don’t even have to carry the balloon home as the post office will deliver it to your address !

Submitted by dogtogod.com

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.



Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.

Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace.



What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.



The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.



The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for a nice funeral. I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.



And the third envelope? asked her friends.



The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.



Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, So, do you like my stone? showing off her ten carat diamond ring…

An
elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his
guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. Rabbi,
during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy,
I pretended to be a goy and changed my name from
Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it.

Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were
a Jew is admirable, said the Rabbi.

Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.

That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty.

Its worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with
her sexual favours.

You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans
had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will
be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.

Thank you, Rabbi. Thats a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.

And what is that?

Should I tell her the war is over?

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razorblade.

Dont panic, Im coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?

Yes, I shaved with the electric razor.

Doctor, Doctor, Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!

Do you drink a lot?

Not really – I spill most of it!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Is this her first child? the doctor queries.

No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband!

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:

Im afraid were going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.

Well, if its just because of them, Id rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.

Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

You might be a redneck if your dog cant watch you eat without gagging!