Old and New Jokes

From Carla Felicia, a comic I saw this weekend at Zanies here
in Chicago (with some adaptation).

For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing:

The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and
The big ones you mount.

A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.


So, you talk? he asks.


Yap, the dog replies.


So, whats your story? asks the man.


The dog looks up and says, Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired. And pretty much, thats it.


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


Ten dollars. The guy says,


This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?


Because hes a liar. He never worked for Mossad!

This guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, T.G.I.F!! A woman next to him, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, S.P.I.T.!!The guy orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts T.G.I.F.!! The woman next to him orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts S.P.I.T.!!! This goes on for quite a while and finally the bartender says to the guy, Why do you shout T.G.I.F? What does that mean?The guy answers, Thank God its Friday!!The bartender nods. Then he asks the woman, Why do you shout S.P.I.T.??The woman answers, Stupid prick, its Thursday!!

Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

cord goes into it. Can you see that?

……Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into

the wall.

……Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other cable.

……Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back

of your computer.

I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle-its because its

dark.

Dark?

Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.

No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.

A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do

you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer!

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "Ill find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging."Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

Which is worse, a Vice-President who cant spell or a President who cant add?

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest it cannot happen to me, the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.



Your Honor, replied the defendant, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didnt have to be present and not to worry.



I cant see why youd punch a man for that, interrupted the judge.



Wait, theres more…

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.

Then he said, Because everythings coming up Roses.



THATS when I hit him!

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?

His father replied, Sure son, youre full blooded.



The young bear asked, Are you positive that Im 100% polar bear, Dad?



Yes, son, Im sure. Your mothers a polar bear, Im a polar bear…



But Dad, are you sure theres not a little brown bear in me?



Yes son, Im sure.



Are you really sure, Dad, that theres not just a little black bear in me?



Yes, son, youre all polar bear.



Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?



No way, son, no way, replied the papa bear. Why are you asking these questions?



The little polar bear replied, Because, Dad, Im freezing my tail off out here!