Old and New Jokes

Después de una larga y tendida sesión amorosa, el hombre se da la vuelta, saca un cigarrillo de sus jeans y busca su encendedor. Como no lo encuentra, le pregunta a su compañera si tiene uno a la mano.

Debe haber algunos fósforos en la mesita de noche.

Él abre el cajón y encuentra la cajita de fósforos, al lado de la foto de un hombre. Naturalmente, el joven se preocupa.

¿Es tu esposo? pregunta nervioso.

No, tontito, responde ella acurrucándose amorosamente.

¿Tu enamorado, entonces?

No, para nada, dice ella, mordisqueándole la oreja.

Bueno, ¿quien es él entonces?, pregunta desconcertado el muchacho.

Serenamente, la chica responde:

Soy yo antes de la operación.

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).



DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.



DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan .



DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.



DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.



DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

HOW TO MAKE A TURKEY


Step 1: Go buy a turkey


Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey


Step 3: Put turkey in the oven


Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey


Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens


Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink


Step 7: Turn oven the on


Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky


Step 9: Turk the bastey


Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get


Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer


Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey


Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours


Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick


Step 17: Turk the carvey


Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch


Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tinker Bell!
Tinker Bell who?
Tinker Bell is out of order!

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started.

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

Doctor, I cant seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I cant satisfy her. What can I do?

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and youll find that youll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.

Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. Be prepared, my darling, Im going to ravish you, she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctors advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his therapy.

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, Yes?

Sir, Im with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?

Yes, officer, Im inspecting my trucks rear axle, he replied confidently.

Well, you shouldve checked the brakes, your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

In a sunny day one man takes his car, goes to a tattoing laboratory and asks for a tattoo representing the name of his girlfriend, Wendy. The man knows precisely where he wants his tattoo.

Owing to the particular request the tattoo-maker needs the man to have an erection, and, after some trouble, he is able to do his work, so he writes Wendy and gets his money.

Some days later the same man goes to his gymnasium and after sporting activity he is going to have a shower. While washing, he can see, rather obviously, only the letters W,Y (WendY) on his penis. But he gets stuck when he sees another man with W,Y on his best friend.

So he gets interested and asks him: I think you too decided to have a tattoo with the name of your girlfriend. My girls name is Wendy. I think your girl also has this name. What a coincidence. Isnt it?

The other man shows a big idiotic and cheerful smile and says:

But what are you thinking! What Wendy! Ha ha ha! I cant believe it! Wendy! Ha ha ha! My tattoo is Welcome to Marlboro country, what Wendy??? See you…

Q: Did you hear that the Clintons had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now its got two left wings.

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have an artificial one in the closet.