Old and New Jokes

One day i was at the library and i was just standing there and hten i blew out thisbig wet juicy fart i was dripping down my legs then it started turning a green and yellow colour it looked good enough to eat so i whipped down my pants and started eating it it was like a taste of heaven some off you people out there with wet farts should try them some day i would also like to conclude.

This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.

Once i was driving on the motorway in my car and i wanted a piss but i couldnt pull over so i decided to piss in a empty coke can

5 mins later the police pulled me over and said whats in the can

now i got arrested for canapiss

Q. Why did the blonde bring two pairs of pants to the golf course?

A. Because she was afraid she might get a hole in one.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

TRADITION(Jewish Humor)

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up…

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didnt know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?

The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition. The one whose followers sat asked, Is the tradition to sit during Shema?

The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.

Then the rabbi said to the old man, The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, THAT is our tradition!

This very old couple were sitting on the porch rocking when suddenly
the old woman knocked the old guy out of his chair and off of the
porch. He got up and dusted himself off and asked her, Why did you
hit me? She told him, It is because your dick is too small!
He sat back down and then suddenly he knocks her out of her chair and
off of the porch. She asked him, Why did you hit me? He replies,
Because after 55 years you know theres a difference!

Derrick Hamner

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude.

Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!, the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.

So the Italian shot her.

Thats weird…
Its never done that before.
It worked yesterday.
How is that possible?
It must be a hardware problem.
What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?
Theres something funky in your data.
I havent touched that module in weeks!
You must have the wrong version.
Its just some unlucky coincidence.
I cant test everything!
This cant be the source of that.
It works, but it hasnt been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
Did you check for a virus on your system?
Even though it doesnt work, how does it feel?
You cant use that version on your system.
Why do you want to do it that way?
Where were you when the program blew up?

And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs dont work:

It works on my machine.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maybelle!
Maybelle who?
Maybelle doesnt ring either!