Old and New Jokes

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal, What is three times three? 297, was her prompt reply. Ummm humm, says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady, Its your turn now. What is three times three? Friday, replies the second lady. Ummm humm…

Then the doc says to the third, Okay, mam, your turn. Whats three times three?

Nine, she says. Thats wonderful! says the doc. Tell me, how did you get that?

Simple, she says, beaming… I subtracted 297 from Friday!

Two Drunk Irishmen are walking down a set of railway tracks,

First Irishman: Jesus Christ Pat, Ive never seen so many stairs

Second Irishman: Fuck that Mick, its this low railing thats killing me

Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you werent.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?

The other replies, Well I dont
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.

So that night he did and God replied, You are what you are.

The next day he said to the other
zebra, I still dont understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.

The second zebra responds, You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

Youll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no, no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hounds intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isnt looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

Youre the first man Ive seen after months at sea, she coos. Ill do anything you want.

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

Great, he says. Will you walk my dog for me?

Joe Sensitive – After I wash the dishes, lets cuddle, OK?

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus – People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Lets stay home and watch TV.

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt

Flinchy – I–Im sorry for whatever it was I did.

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot – Shut yer trap, Im thinkin.

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
BignDumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones – Zzzzzz

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak – Who, me?

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Goshdarn Son of a
bum

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts – After I wash the dishes lets make love
like crazed weasels, OK?

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – Someday Im going to be rich and famous.
I dont know how, but–

Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Wind, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumpus

Mr. Right – While the servants wash the dishes, lets make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, OK?

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a womans prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Sayings youd like to see on office inspirational posters:



If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.



The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.



Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.



If you think were a bad firm, you should see our rivals!



Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.



A person who smiles in the face of adversity … probably has a scapegoat.



ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE…..



We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!



2 days without a Human Rights Violation!



If at first you dont succeed — try management.



Its only unethical if you get caught.



Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.



Never quit until you have another job.



Work harder slaves!



The beatings will continue until morale improves.



If you can read this, youre not working!



Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!



Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.



Pride, commitment, teamwork — words we use to get you to work for free.



Succeed in spite of management.



Work: It isnt just for sleeping anymore.



There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who dont work here anymore.

A: Elvis has been sighted.