Old and New Jokes

Continued from Part I of The 2000 Federal Census for Rednecks

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?

(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times youve seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years youve seen Elvis:_____

Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Light Brown

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

(_)Other (Specify________________ )

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) road?

: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their


suffering.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mr!
Mr who!
Missed her at the bus stop!

In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible! I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. But it ended, he said, when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.

What did she say? asked the friend.

The husband replied, She said, Come out from under that bed, you coward!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, Well continue this later, while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbors bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

Yeah daddy, yeah daddy, said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

Say, Pop, said the boy.

Yes, replied his father.

The bull just screwed the brown cow!

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said Excuse me and took his son outside.

Son, you mustnt use language like that in front of company. You should say The bull surprised the brown cow. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow.

The father went back inside the house.

After a while the boy came in and said, Hey, Daddy!

Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?

He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!

Blood vessels.

This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
which was Lets make love. The parrot said it all the time,
embarrassing the owner to no end.

Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot
problem. The priest replied, I have a parrot who also only knows
one sentence. He always says, Let us pray. Bring your parrot over
Sunday after mass, and Im sure your parrot will be praying by the
end of the day.

So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory
after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth
and blurted out, Lets make love.

The priests parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
My prayers have been answered.

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

And this one, what a steal, he rhapsodized, the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years its gonna be worth three times …

Sonny, interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, at my age I dont even buy green bananas.