The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. Of course, my son, said the priest.
Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.
Thats a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess, said the priest.
Its worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors, continued the old man.
Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly, said the priest.
Thanks, Father, said the old man.; Thats a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?
Of course, my son, said the priest. The old man asked, Do I need to tell her that the war is over?
Scene: Its a fine beautiful day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, typing away on his laptop.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: What are you working on? Rabbit: My Thesis paper to graduate from University. Fox: Hmmmmm. What is it about? Rabbit: Oh, Im writing about how rabbits eat foxes.
(There is an incredulous pause)
Fox: Thats ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits dont eat foxes! Rabbit: Come with me and Ill show you!
They both disappear into the rabbits burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Wolf: Whats that you are writing? Rabbit: Im doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves. (loud guffaws). Wolf: You dont expect to get such garbage published, do you? Rabbit: No problem. Do you want to see why?
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach. He goes back to his typing. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Finally a bear comes along and asks, Bear: What are you doing? Rabbit: Im doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears. Bear: Well thats absurd! Rabbit: Come into my home and Ill show you.
SCENE: Inside the rabbits burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: ———————– It doesnt matter what you choose for a thesis topic. It doesnt matter what you use for your data. It doesnt even matter if your topic makes sense. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other – a star of David.
Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and
the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe hed get some more
hand outs.
Get this guy, laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal,
Trying to teach us how to do business!
First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling role: Billy Adams.
Here.
Susie Brown.
Here.
She comes to Opium Jones and gasps. Boy, she says, what you name?
Opium Jones! he says proudly.
Boy, she says, you go fetch yo mammy to come see me.
The mother arrives.
This boy say his name is Opium Jones, the teacher says.
Thats right, the mother says. Thats what we named him.
But dont you know opium is a dope? the teacher says.
I sure do, the mother replies.
No no no, thats not what I meant, the teacher says. I mean, opium is illegal.
Uh-huh, the mother says.
No no, the teacher says. What I mean is, opium is a seed what come from a white poppy.
You hit the nail right on the head! says the mother.
On an airliner, an old grandpa was accompanied by his grandchildren …
The latter were making a lot of noise, disturbing some of the other passengers …
Finally, the grandpa said (absent-mindedly): Now children, stop foolin around here … Go outside and play!
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.
He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said: First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
What happened? they asked.
Well, said Moishe, First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.
And then? asked a woman.
I dont know, said Moishe. He took out his lunch and I took out mine.
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
Page Maker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. And dont you be late,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win98.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,
Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!
And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winters nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks, Guys!
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the same team?
A4: Who were all those guys?
Only 880 people went down on the Titanic
From a class on human sexuality at Cornell:
A middle-aged couple are discussing their plans. When Im eighty,
the man says to his wife, I plan on finding myself a pretty twenty-year-old,
and Ill have myself a real good time.
The wife is a bit fazed, but thinks up a reply. When Im eighty,
I plan on finding myself a handsome twenty-year-old, and twenty goes into
eighty a lot easier than eighty goes into twenty!