Old and New Jokes

Which condom would you use….

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carls Jr. Condom: If it doesnt get all over the place, it doesnt belong in your face…

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….

M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Deltas ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Wheres the beef?

Dennys Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder its #1

Q:What did the elephant say when it saw a dead ant?
A: DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT…….
Q: What did the elephant say when it saw a live ant?
A: It stepped on the ant and then said DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT….

How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.

Un día la mamá de Pepito le dijo que fuera a comprar huevos para el almuerzo.

Rumbo a la tienda, pasó un accidente. Pepito se asustó y se fue para la casa.

¡Mamá, mamá, atropellaron a un hombre!

Y la mamá pregunta:

Y los huevos Pepito?

¡Ah no!, eso sí que no se los vi.

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?”
The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

Some things Ive learned from my children:

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a

baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

VCRs do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Its been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff

FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper

SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Dominos, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the FROM line above, administration is assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE How to… series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Eckerds photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Eckerds will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs formulary.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!



His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wifes butt and say, Lets do it!



….and shes always sound asleep.