A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, Thatll be $5000. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?
The shopkeeper answered, Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. That ones even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?
Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff, said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?
The shopkeeper replied, Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but it says its a consultant.
Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. No, she says, yesterday I nearly got caught!
Why do men enjoy getting head so much?
Its five minutes of peace and quiet.
————–
Why do men enjoy head so much?
Its the only thing a guy gets into a girls head straight.
Do pilots take crash-courses?
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
A
Minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to
his
Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following
results: The first worm in alcohol — dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke — dead.
Third worm in sperm — dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation — "What
can you learn from
this
demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her
hand and said; "As
long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you wont
have worms."
Because they taste funny.
It is a little-known fact that the mother of famed game show host Monte Hall owns a company that provides exotic animals to zoos.
Equally little known is the fact that a few years ago singer Dinah Shore was working to establish a zoo in the little Iowa town of Tripoli in honor of her relatives from there. As a long-time friend of Monte, Dinah naturally bought many of the animals from his mother.
In fact, many truckloads of animals were shipped … from the zoo of Monte Halls Ma to the Shores of Tripoli!
(By Gene Baumann in The Pundit)
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a residence, and was just about done for the day. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize hed lost his cigarettes.He went back in to look for them, and noticed in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the woman who owned the house came in. Here, she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. I found these in the hallway.Now, she said, if only I could find my parakeet!
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it aint.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.