Old and New Jokes

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?

He heard it had great circulation…

A farmer whos been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

I understand youre claiming damages for the injuries youre supposed to have suffered? Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

Yes, thats right, replied the farmer, nodding his head.

You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, Ive never felt better inn my life. Is that the case?

Yeah, but stammered the farmer.

A simple yes or not will suffice, counsel interrupted quickly.

Yes, Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmers counsel to ask him questions. Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health, his lawyer said.

Certainly, replied the farmer. After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?

Q: How many Indiana University notes users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.

Note: Not meant to offend students at the Indiana University.

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.

The one whos been waiting asks his partner: What kept you?

I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire.

A Coke bottle in the road? Didnt you see it?

No, the kid had it under his coat.

Q. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?





A. Because it waves.

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but hes never around when you need him.

-I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.

YO MAMMAS SO FAT:

-she was mistaken for gods bowling ball.

-when her beeper goes off, people think shes backing up

-she had to go to Sea World to get babtised

-she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth

-her favorite dress is a tent

-she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops

-she has to iron her pants on the driveway

-she needs a building permit for her girdle

-she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring

-she puts on tampons with a bazooka

-she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller

-she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon

-she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out

-she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel

-she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar

-when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washingtons nose

-the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion… Your pecker is always harder when youre away from home.

What would happen if we priced our COWS using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a CAR?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One

day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over

to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

BASIC COW………………………………………….$499.9

Shipping and handling…………………………………35.75

Extra Stomach………………………………………….79.25

Two Tone Exterior……………………………………142.10

Produce Storage Compartment…………………..126.50

Heavy Duty Straw Chopper………………………..189.60

Four Spigot/High Output Drain System………….149.20

Automatic Fly Swatter…………………………………88.50

Genuine Cowhide Upholstery………………………179.90

Deluxe Dual Horns……………………………………..59.25

Automatic Fertilizer Attachment……………………339.40

4X4 Traction Drive Assembly………………………884.16

Pre-delivery Wash and Comb………………………..69.80

______________________________________________

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: …….$2,843.3

Additional Dealer Adjustments: ……………………….300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options)………$3,143.36

Q: Why do men sit with their legs wide open? A: So their brains can breathe.