Old and New Jokes

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the World O Coffins web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of the willies.

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high Career Days.

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, But he looks like Michael Jackson!

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…

Dying in each others arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

You so ugly, last time you got ass was when your toiletpaper broke!

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his moms bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man!

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, What huge buttocks! Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, Christ! What huge tits!.

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, What happened? Did you put your foot in it?

No, but I could have! the third man replied.

Why wasnt Jesus born in Essex, England? Because they couldnt find three wise men and a virgin!

Ok, theres this guy in a bar, sitting at the bar, just looking at his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for over half-an-hour, not talking and barely moving. Then, a big macho guy who has been Playing pool takes notice of our friend at the bar, noticing our friend just staring at his drink for a long time. This is driving Mr. macho crazy so he walks up to the bar, grabs the drink and chugs it right down. The poor man who has been sitting at the bar starts crying.



Mr. Macho says: – Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.



Our friend at the bar replies: – No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police say they can do nothing to find my car. I get a cab to return home, and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab driver who just laughs and drives away. I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . .

Here are some of the answers given in a bible knowledge test



1. The first book of the Bible is Guinnesss in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple

2. Noahs wife was Joan of Ark

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night

4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles

5. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients

6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments

7. The seventh commandment is, thou shalt not admit adultery

8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol

9. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines

10. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption

11. The people who followed Jesus were called the 2 decibels

12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles

13. One of the opossums was St. Matthew

14. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrods

15. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage

16. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times

17. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony

18. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals

Q. What kind of bees make the best milk? A. Boo-bees!

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, Its simple. I just say Im a lawyer. So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh, youre a lawyer? He said, Why yes I am! So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing
someone!

Filthy Stinking Rich… Well, Two Out of Three Aint Bad

I Used Up All My Sick Days… So I Called In Dead

Husband and Cat Lost… Reward for Cat

Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton

Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt

Learn from Your Parents Mistakes… Use Birth Control

If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees

If You Can Read This…Kiss A Teecher

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

If You Remember the 60s, You Werent Really There

Procrastinate Now

Rehab Is for Quitters

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) Waiting for the Perfect Man

My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse… …. He Couldnt do Better and I Couldnt Do Worse

The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley