Old and New Jokes

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, You want fries with that?

And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad. And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Mans health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink

twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, Do I look fat?

And the Devil said, Always tell the truth.

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: Returned unopened.

A young boy comes home from school & his mother says What did you do today?

To which the boy answers oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.

The mother , aghast, doesnt know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says go in & tell your father what you just told me!

The boy goes into see his father & says gee, mom sure is mad. The father says why?

I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my english teacher.

Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says congratulations — you passed a milestone. I tell you what –lets go out and celebrate. Well have some ice cream and then Ill buy you a new bike.

To which the boy says –the ice cream sounds great Dad, but lets hold off on the bike a few days — my ass is killing me.

Dos mujeres se encuentran en la calle. Una de ellas va saliendo del salón de belleza.

“¡Hola, amiga! ¿Te cortaste el pelo?”

“Sí, querida. ¡No te imaginas con quién… Yulián, ese maestro de la tijera! ¿Cómo ves?”

“¡Maaraaviiillooosooo! Te ves 10 años más joven. ¡Qué bárbaro! Quiero hacérmelo igual. ¿Fueron luces?”

“Nooo, es una nueva técnica para aclarar el cabello que él trajo de Italia. Imagínate que bla, bla, bla… (media hora después)”.

“Bueno, amiga. Vete a tu casa que tu esposo se va enorgullecer de la esposa que tiene”.

“¡Ay, amiga, que linda eres!”

Una de las mujeres se va pensando:

Esa piruja se ve ridícula y no se da cuenta. No entiendo cómo su marido, tan guapo, sigue casado con ella.

La otra mujer se dice para sí:

Esa zorra debe de estar muriéndose de la envidia. Y todavía quiere hacerse lo mismo. ¡Desgraciada! No es posible con su pelo de escoba. ¡Ni con un implante!”

Al poco rato, dos amigos se encuentran en la calle; uno de ellos va saliendo de la peluquería:

“¿Qué pasó, güey? ¿Te cortaste el pelo, cabrón?”

“Sí, güey, ¿por qué?”

“Es que te ves bien pinche ridículo”.

“Sí, güey, pero a tu mamá le va encantar.”

“Ja, ja, ja, órale. Ya me voy, adiós. Oye, y me saludas a la buenota de tu esposa”.

“Chinga tu madre, puto. Adiós. Sigue pendiente el juego de domino, eh maricón”.

“Sale, cabrón. Va. Adiós”.

Uno de los hombres se va pensando:

“¡Ese güey me cae a toda madre!”

El otro dice:

“¡Este cabrón es de pelos!”

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?

One of them was blown away in the back of a limo, the other was
shot to death.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, I have to go home or the wife will be mad.

(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said I cant walk and I didnt have that much to drink?.

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I dont get home soon!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said you were out drinking again last night werent you!

The man replied with NO WAY!

And the wife said YOU LIAR!

The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, Man, I wish we had something to drink!

Jim says, Me too. Yknow, Ive heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects, nothing!

Then the phone rings … Its Jim. Jim says, Hey, how do you feel this morning?

Bud says, I feel great. How about you?

Jim says, I feel great, too. You dont have a hangover?

Bud says, No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.

Yeah, well theres just one thing …

Whats that?

Have you farted yet?

No …

Well, DONT, cause Im in PHOENIX!

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him up immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, Wasukima! Wasukima! He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted Wasukima!.

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, Why are you shouting wrong hole?