Old and New Jokes

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.

The judge says, do you want to live with your dad? the kid says no! he beats me!. The judge says,you want to live with your mom? no! she beats me too!.

So the judge says, who do you want to live with then?

The kid says, The Cleveland Browns…they cant beat anybody!

A guy walks into a doctors office and says D-D-Doctor, I h-have a s-stuttering p-p-problem.

The doc notices a big bulge in the guys crotch and says Lets have a look. The doc is shocked to see that the guy has a 17 schlong.

What you have is Stutterus Schlongus. I can cure your stuttering by cutting off 10 inches.

The guy says okay and the operation is done on the spot.

The next day the guys says Doc, my wife left me because of the operations. I dont care if I stutter, I want my schlong back!

The doc looks at the floor and says Its t-t-too l-l-late!!!

A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. Shed hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. Excuse me, miss, said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesnt mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. What difference does it make? Joan asked rather calmly. No one can see me up here, and besides, Im covered with a towel. Not exactly, said the embarrassed man. Youre lying on the dining room skylight.

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "Ill find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging."Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Idaho!
Idaho who?
Idahod the whole garden but I was tired!

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Un habitante de Tontilandia va en su automóvil y lo choca. Viendo la gran abolladura, se le ocurre que soplándolo por el escape puede inflarse y regresar a la normalidad. Y en eso está cuando pasa un compatriota por el camino y le dice:

¡Hombre, que eres bruto! ¡Si no cierras las ventanas no se va a inflar nunca!

Esto es lo que hace un novio:

Primer mes:

No se sienta, no toma café, todo está bien; siempre dice por favor y gracias.

Segundo mes:

Se sienta (no muy a gusto), toma café pero no acepta la comida; le hace cariños al perro.

Tercer mes:

Almuerza en la casa de la novia, toma whisky con el suegro, abre el refrigerador (solito), y se fija en las nalgas de la cuñada.

Cuarto mes:

Coloca el pie sobre la mesita de la sala, va al baño (con la puerta cerrada), eructa frente a la novia y da opiniones.

Quinto mes:

Entra sin ser invitado, se sirve sólo la comida, se limpia la boca en el mantel de la mesa y se coge a la novia en el sofá de la sala.

Sexto mes:

Almuerza y cena en casa de la novia, le pide el carro prestado al suegro, se tira pedos en la sala sin ninguna pena y le muestra la muela con caries a la suegra.

Séptimo mes:

Duerme con la novia los fines de semana; durante la cena se acomoda los huevos y sigue comiendo.

Octavo mes:

Le reclama a la suegra; mea con la puerta del baño abierta, se limpia los mocos en la toalla de mano; le agarra las nalgas a la cuñada.

Noveno mes:

Caga y no descarga el WC; patea al perro; se coge a la novia en la cama de la suegra y se limpia el pene en la cortina.

Décimo mes:

Pasa más tiempo en casa de la suegra que en la suya, trata a la novia como una sirvienta y le pide dinero prestado al suegro (sin devolvérselo).

Onceavo mes:

Discute con todo el mundo en casa de la novia; insulta a la suegra, se madrea al cuñadito; se coge a la cuñada.

Doceavo mes:

Acaba con el noviazgo, pues no soporta más a la familia de ella.