Old and New Jokes

A blonde gets in an elevator and sees a man standing there. She tells him, TGIF, sir, to which he replies, S-H-I-T, maam. Surprised, she replies, Excuse me, I was just trying to be nice , TGIF stands for Thank goodness its Friday. The man replies, SHIT stands for Sorry honey its Thursday.

The real reason Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves is that
he thought it would be good for basketball.

The head of the department of education

was talking to president Bush.





Mr president, The man said, 85% of



the nations children cant find Iraq on the



map.





Bush just smiled and calmly stated,



thats ok. in a few monthes it wont be on



the map.

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word Pants for key words: Weve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. The pants may not look like much, kid, but theyve got it where it counts. I find your lack of pants disturbing. Many bobans died to bring us these pants. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. Han will have those pants down. Weve got to give him more time! General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home. TK-421… Why arent you in your pants? Lock the door. And hope they dont have pants. You are unwise to lower your pants. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark. Luke… Help me remove these pants. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants. That blast came from those pants. That things operational! Luke…..I am your pants. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. Dont worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this. Maybe youd like it back in your pants, your highness. Luke, search your pants. You know it is true. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister! Jabba doesnt have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. Short pants is better than no pants at all.

Knock Knock Whos there? Ketchup Ketchup who? Catch up with me and Ill tell you!

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it, the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Dude who invented the X-files

Wide Receiver, Minnesota Vikings

Other half of the Jackie Chan buddy pair in the Rush Hour films

Bill Clintons uncle

The Ayatollah Khomenis bitch

Brother of Billy Beer inventor

Part-owner of fried chicken franchise

Old guy who did the news before Dan Rather

Eminems real name

Replacement host for Bob Villa on This Old House

Feeb who whines a lot about pancreatic cancer

Liz Taylor Husband #3

(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001

Q: Whats musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they discuss her rating, which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, Id give her a 7. Shes really quite pretty.

Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, Nah, Id only give her a 3.

A 3? How can you give her a 3?

says one of the three guys at the table.

Shes a real pretty girl.

The bartender, walking away, says, Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that hed only give her a 5.

A 5? How can you give her just a 5? Shes absolutely gorgeous! The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

The Budweiser method?

they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 511 goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three judges at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? Shes gorgeous! Well, says the bartender again, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

Budweiser! says one of the guys, exasperated.

What in the Hell is this Budweiser method for rating women?

Well, says the bartender, the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.

Una gallina que vivía en una granja lejana de la civilización llegó corriendo al chiquero de los puercos.

En el chiquero sólo se encontraba un puerquito bañándose de lodo. La gallina al verlo, se burla de el y le da la mala noticia: TE VAN A MATAR PUERQUITO.

El puerquito, preocupadísimo y todo palido de la impresión del comentario de la gallina, le pregunta:

¿Y PORQUE DICES QUE ME VAN A MATAR GALLINITA?

La gallina le contesta:

Es que en la mañana escuché al patrón decirle a su señora que en la tarde le diera chicharrón a la gallina…