Old and New Jokes

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Paper or plastic?

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says, Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? Ive got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says, Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasnt any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, You got me out of the shower for THAT?!

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself Oh God, Im screwed!!!!!.



There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.



So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.



As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: Okay ….. NOW youre screwed.

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, These sleepovers are killing me!

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

OConnell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

Please, God, he implored, let it be blood!

Un hombre está volando en un globo aerostático y se da cuenta de que se encuentra perdido. Mientras hace algunas maniobras ve a un tipo caminando por el campo. El hombre hace descender el globo algunos metros y grita:

Perdone, ¿me puede decir dónde estoy?

A lo que el hombre que está abajo responde: Usted está en un globo aerostático, suspendido a unos 10 metros del suelo.

Usted es informático ¿verdad?, dice el del globo.

Así es, dice el de abajo. ¿Cómo se ha dado cuenta?

Bueno, dice el del globo. Todo lo que usted me ha dicho es técnicamente correcto, pero no resulta de utilidad para nadie.

Y el de abajo responde: Y usted debe de ser un usuario de computadora.

Exacto, responde el del globo. ¿Cómo lo ha sabido?

Sencillo. Usted no sabe dónde se encuentra, ni hacia dónde va, pero espera que yo le pueda ayudar. Usted está en la misma situación que antes de que nos encontrásemos, pero ahora cree que la culpa la tengo yo.

Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.