Old and New Jokes

A puritan is someone who is deathly afraid
that someone, somewhere, is having fun.

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet.

Turning to the man on his right he asked, Did you pour beer on my trousers?

Nope, came the reply.

Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, Did you pour beer on my trousers?

The man also replied, Nope.

Then it must be an inside job, he murmured.

One day a man ran into an Afghanistan village out of breath. The locals didnt recognize him, so one man went up to him and asked where he was from.Iraq he answered. I only travelled one day.The local was impressed. How did you get here so fast? he asked.The man replied, Iran.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.

Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. But get back into the bars and pubs and quaff that pint! Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldnt deny yourself the career opportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good cold beer will kill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make the necessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to perform at their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain its coming fast!

Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and… or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality — Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia — Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry. Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill Tell You Why

Depression — Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive — Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive — On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me… (And Then Took it All Away)

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. –President Gerald Ford

My fellow astronauts…

–Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

Capital punishment is our societys recognition of the sanctity of human life.

–Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

–Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

I stand by all the misstatements.

–Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

Gerald Ford was a Communist

–Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say Congressman.

Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

We found the term killing too broad.

–State Department spokesperson on why the word killing was replaced with unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life in its human rights reports for 1984-5

This is a great day for France!

–President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulles funeral

This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected.

–California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood

Its not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host.

–James Baker, televangelist.

The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.

–Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police.

–U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

What he does on his own time is up to him.

–Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

Facts are stupid things.

–Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

There were 10 blondes and 1 brunette hanging on a rope in the mountains. the rope was very weak and the brunette said someone had to let go. no one volunteered, until the brunette finally said she would let go, and gave a heart-felt speech. hearing this the blondes started clapping…

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies Im fucking nuts, Im never getting out of here!

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.



Why did you do that? asks a passing giraffe.



Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.



Wow, what a memory! says the giraffe.



Yes, says the elephant. Turtle recall.

Take this job and shove it.