Old and New Jokes

Total immersion geologists

Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: What did you think of that Superbowl game last night? I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because its called rock music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side youre parked on.

7. You name your children after rocks and minerals.

8. Youre not sure if you have children.

9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

She says, Bernie, I want a divorce.

My goodness, he says, I wasnt planning on spending that much.

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his dick. One of the the guys looked at the other and said, I wish that I could do that. The other one then said, Ooooh, that dog would bite you.

A altas horas de la noche en un parque, un borracho simulaba nadar en el pasto. En eso, en una de sus rondas, un policía lo observa y le pregunta qué es lo que hace.

“¿Qué no ve que estoy nadando?”

“Por favor, le pido que salga de ahí”.

El borrachín se niega y el policía insiste.

“Si quiere que me salga de aquí, venga y sáqueme”.

Exasperado, el oficial se quita los zapatos, se remanga la camisa y se sube las perneras del pantalón, al mismo tiempo que exclama:

“¡Ni que estuviera tan hondo!”

Después de una larga y tendida sesión amorosa, el hombre se da la vuelta, saca un cigarrillo de sus jeans y busca su encendedor. Como no lo encuentra, le pregunta a su compañera si tiene uno a la mano.

Debe haber algunos fósforos en la mesita de noche.

Él abre el cajón y encuentra la cajita de fósforos, al lado de la foto de un hombre. Naturalmente, el joven se preocupa.

¿Es tu esposo? pregunta nervioso.

No, tontito, responde ella acurrucándose amorosamente.

¿Tu enamorado, entonces?

No, para nada, dice ella, mordisqueándole la oreja.

Bueno, ¿quien es él entonces?, pregunta desconcertado el muchacho.

Serenamente, la chica responde:

Soy yo antes de la operación.

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).



DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.



DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan .



DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.



DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.



DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

HOW TO MAKE A TURKEY


Step 1: Go buy a turkey


Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey


Step 3: Put turkey in the oven


Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey


Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens


Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink


Step 7: Turn oven the on


Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky


Step 9: Turk the bastey


Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get


Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer


Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey


Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours


Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick


Step 17: Turk the carvey


Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch


Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tinker Bell!
Tinker Bell who?
Tinker Bell is out of order!

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started.