Old and New Jokes

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesnt tip over.

There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying Free Sex with Fill-up.

Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, I think that game is rigged and he doesnt give away free sex. The buddy replied, No, its not rigged — my wife won twice last week.

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he cant find the rake. He yells up to his wife, Where is the rake? She cant hear him and shouts back, What?



The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.



The wife is not sure and says, What? The man repeats his gestures. EYE KNEE THE RAKE



The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.



Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, What in the friggin hell was that?



She replies, EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH.

Problem: World Hunger





Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people until no one is hungry anymore.





Problem: World Peace





Solution: Remove all the humans from the planet.





Problem: Poverty





Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.





Problem: People Leaching Welfare (CANADA)





Solution: Chop them up with the hungry people.





Problem: War





Solution: Create a new law so that for every person you kill, you loose a limb. Bullets and firearms will be sold to you, but at the price of a limb. When you die, your firearms will be cremated with you.





Problem: Injustice





Solution: This will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some damn whiner will bitch about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.





Problem: Over Population





Solution: Sterilize the population.





Problem: Nuclear Weapons





Solution: Dismantle them and send them into space. If we ever need them to blow up an asteroid, then put them together again.





Problem: Aliens Stealing DNA Samples





Solution: Start shooting DNA into space to save the aliens the trip… and us the probing.





Problem: Washing Machine & Dryer Stealing Socks





Solution: Take them into the fields and shoot them along with the designers.





Problem: Stupid People





Solution: Kill them. Only I get to decide who lives.





Problem: Bad Parents





Solution: Parents must pass a test administered by me. If they fail, they get sterilized until they pass the test. If you fail twice, you stay sterilized for 5 years.





Problem: Animal Abuse





Solution: Kill the person doing it. I get to kill them.





Problem: Space Junk Floating AroundSolution: Make a giant pool skimmer and clean the place up! How can we possibly have company over when the place is a mess?





Problem: Stupid Teenage Female Puppet Singers (Like Brittany Spears)





Solution: Pump up their fake boobs until they explode or fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Tape it as well so I can piss myself laughing.





Problem: Dumbass All Boy Bands Who All Sound The Same





Solution: Force them to do their little dance routines for months, or until they collapse. If that doesnt work, then fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Then shoot them and tape it for me.

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

10. Your Quarter Pounder has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, No shirt, no shoes, no reason you cant get a job here.
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendys founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure its okay.
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
1. Their slogan: Did somebody say E Coli?

What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?

A blonde doing cartwheels!

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,

Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,

Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

The terrified ox stammers, Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,

Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like itd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –

Just because you dont know the answer, you dont have to get so upset about it!

I guy is in a mens room and another comes in and takes the urinal next to him. The first guy happens to glance over and sees that the other fellows penis is about ten inches long but as round as a pencil in diameter.

He says to the guy, Listen pal, its not my habit to look at other guys penis but I couldnt help but notice how odd yours looks. What is your story?

The other man answers, Oh, its a rather simple. I came from a rather large family of ten siblings. We were rather poor so we all had to sleep in the same bed side-by-side. However, when we started reaching puberty there wasnt enough room in the bed to masturbate like this (motioning in the standard masturbation hand jesture). Instead we had to masturbate like this (motioning as if rubbing a pencil between his hands)!