Old and New Jokes

Llega Bill Clinton a la oficina de Boris Yelstin y ve que éste tiene un telefono rojo detrás de su escritorio:

¿Para que es ese telefono?, pregunta Clinton.

Para hablar con Dios, contesta Yelstin.

¿Puedo llamar?

Claro, camarada.

Clinton hace su llamada y cuando termina de hablar con Dios, Yelstin le da una factura por 3 billones de dólares.

¿Por qué tanto?, se queja Clinton.

Hablar con Dios cuesta.

Clinton paga y se despide de Yelstin. Dias despues Bill Clinton visita a Menem y ve un telefono similar:

¿Ese telefono es para hablar con Dios?, pregunta Clinton.

Pues claro, ¿querés usarlo?

Si, contesta Clinton.

Al terminar de hablar Menem le entrega la factura a Clinton:

¿Sólo 10 centavos, por qué tan barato?, pregunta asombrado Clinton.

¿Y que querés? así cobramos las llamadas locales acá.

El Inspector General de Salud está haciendo un recorrido por el manicomio en compañía del encargado del plantel. De pronto, el Inspector ve algo que le llama la atención: un loco acostado en el piso y un grupo alrededor de él. Por curiosidad, le pregunta al encargado qué está pasando allí:

Lo que pasa es que el loco que está acostado dice que es el periódico y los demás lo están leyendo.

Muy interesante, ahora me tengo que ir, seguiremos mañana la inspección.

Al otro día, cuando siguen haciendo la supervisión, el Inspector ve que el loco-periódico del día anterior es perseguido por todos los antiguos lectores.

¿Y ahora qué está pasando?, le preguntó intrigado al encargado.

Que como es el periódico de ayer, ahora lo quieren para limpiarse el culo.

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.



Before it got out of hand he thought hed better do something. He spoke to all the girls that wore lipstick and asked them to meet him in the ladies room at 2pm.



When they arrived they found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies would better understand the problem if they saw how hard it was to clean.



The custodian then demonstrated. He took a berdaggled brush on a long handle out of a box. He dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Two men go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them: Ill be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says: Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.
One of the hunters replies: Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *big* tip to take both moose out.
The three of them argue for several minutes more. After the hunters offer him a large bonus, the pilot gives in and agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet…. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: Where the Hell are we?
The other looks around and replies: About 100 yards further than we got last year!

an english man an irish man and a jewish man decide they want to become police men so the english man goes into the police station and says i want to be a copper, so the police man says ok as long as you can say who killed jesus and the english man says pontious pilate. the copper says right ur in. the irish man does the same. thenthe jewish man goes in and says i want to be a copper, so the police man says right who killed jesus and the jewish man says i dont know, so the police man says go away and find out and then come back. the jewish man then goes to see the english man n the irish man and says i must be good me they have put me on a murder case.

Seen at a local auto mechanics shop:

SHOP RATES

Basic labor rate $40 / hour
If you wait . . . $60 / hour
If you watch . . $80 / hour
If you help . . .$100 / hour
If you laugh . .$140 / hour

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.