Old and New Jokes

Her boyfriend charged her with practicing license without a medicine.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. You´re running around with other women, she told her mate.

Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable, Adam responded. You know you´re the only woman on earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

What do you think you´re doing? Adam demanded.

Counting your ribs, said Eve.

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captains next announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane

After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captains request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an annoucement: Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA!

Yo mamas so fat that when she went swimming in the ocean the whales started singing we are family.

Q: Whats the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, Hi stranger, my name is Mike. Ill give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.

The man says, Thanks…Mikes Place?

Nope.

Mikes Tavern?

No,

Mikes Pub?

No, but heres a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joints name is Sallys Leggs!

Thats a good one. the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there.

He responds, Im just waiting for Sallys Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!

At the card shop:

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?

I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, Hey! Cut it out, all right!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, I said stop it!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, What is it with you, anyway?



The rear tiger replies, Well, I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.



The farmer turned to the husband and said, You know, youre the tenth car Ive helped out of the mud today.



The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,When do you have time to plough your land? At night?



No, the young farmer replied seriously, Night is when I put the water in the hole.

Your momma is so ugly . . .

When she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.