Old and New Jokes

A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees dont get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day.

And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women

A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

How do you confuse a blonde ?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in a corner.

Its forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, You owe me quite a bit on your tab.

Sorry, says Pat, Im flat broke this week.

Thats okay, says the bartender.

Ill just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.

But, says Pat, I dont want any of my friends to see that.

They wont, says the bartender.

Ill just hang your parka over it until its paid.

Un tio quiere llevar a su mujer a la opera para celebrar las bodas de plata. Como la mujer es muy palurda y un poco guarra, empieza a echarse spray de desodorante en los sobacos, y despues por los brazos, y después en la cara y después en el torso, y después en la espalda… El marido, cansado de oir tanto Psssss Pssss le dice: Maria, ¿y el agujero de ozono? ¡Ah! ¡sí! se me olvidaba. Pssssss…

Un nuevo rico había enviado a su hijo pequeño a Viena para que le enseñaran a tocar el violín.

Cuando el hijo regresa, a los dos años, le pide a un amigo melómano que lo escuche y dé su opinión. Así lo hacen y después de que el niño ha tocado el violín, el padre pregunta al amigo:

¿Qué te parece la ejecución?

Hombre, un poco fuerte. Yo creo que dos bofetadas serían suficiente.

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women dont?

A: A bellybutton!

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.

The man lowered his head and said, Wedding cake.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, I built a big house for our mother. The second said, I sent her a Lexus with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cant see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. Hes one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

Milton, she wrote one son, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

Gerald, she wrote to another, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!

Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.

Jewish mama: Do you want some pudding/desert? Ive got some strudel and some cheescake.

Son: Ill have some cheesecake please.

Jewish mama: So whats wrong with the strudel?

By all the Big Wheels parked on his front lawn!