Old and New Jokes

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?

A: Watching your mother-in- law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctors office first and asked if he understood that hed be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "Id be half blind." "Thats correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "Id be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free. On Jons way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "Id be half blind." The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "Id be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that youd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

There are three girls in the Fifth Grade. There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead.

Which one is the probably the smartest?

If you guessed the blonde you were correct…. shes 19 years old!

You might be a redneck if…
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, Ill ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me

5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didnt know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with

4.

He thinks and thinks but doesnt know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up ahill with 3 legs and comes down with

4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.