Old and New Jokes

The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, Well, theres not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if its interesting enough, Ill let you in.

So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.

He says, I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him… Under the bed, in the closet… Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasnt sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide.

Wow, said St. Peter, thats a pretty fantastic story.

So St. Peter calls in the second guy.

He said, One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!

Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, Alright, picture this: Youre naked, and in a refrigerator…

[From the Mens Health Magazine]

Meeters Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, thats sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, Go on, eat me already. The second-best thing is the presence of both cooked mutton and mutton in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If youre really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, youll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (its stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat falling off the bone.
Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think its a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite?
Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the worlds most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the products titular robin isnt actually blind, hes blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
Kylmänen Reindeer Pate (Kylmänen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph the Reindeer was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santas sleigh team — he didnt want to end up a cracker spread.
Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing youve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If youre the sort whos always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

My first submission since the net.jokes days … 1984?
Please feel free to substitute your own stereotypes.

An Englishman and a Texan are at lunch, in England.

The Texan says, In Texas, we grow potatoes eight inches across!

The Englishman says, In England, we grow them to fit English mouths.

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear or nose).
4. BURGACIDE (burg uh side) n. When a hamburger cant take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, Do you work here?
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay shun) n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when youre only six inches away.
    

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair!

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. My fathers an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, hell go out to the alley with some guy and do nasty things with him for money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, Is that really true about your father? No, said David, He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since
it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the
water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than
his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY
congregation, its my face they would recognize.

The exhausted clerk had pulled down blanket after blanket from the shelf, but still the woman customer was not satisfied.

There is one more blanket left, said the clerk. Do you care to see it?

Im not going to buy one today, said the woman. I have only been looking for a friend.

Well, said the clerk,Ill take the last one down if you think your friend might be in it.

A couple of definitions from the Devils Dictionary:

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on the train, he went straight to the ticket-man and said, Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but Im very tired and Im sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is to wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here are 100 francs for the favor.

He continued by saying, But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent; but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?

So the ticket-man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep … and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt!

He was so mad at the ticket-man that he ran over and started yelling: Are you STUPID or something? I paid you 100 francs to wake me up and get me off at Mannheim. And you didnt! I want my money back!

While the man was yelling, two other guys who were also on the train were looking at them.

One looked at the other and said Jeez, that guy is really pissed off!

The other replied, Yeah. Hes almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train at Mannheim last night.