Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others mistakes (what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe its more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the bureaucratic piles of paperwork and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure what it really does add up to 66.
Un enanito ve en el periódico un anuncio que decÃa:
Todos los niños entran gratis al cielo, nomás tienes que cantar la canción de naranja dulce, limón partido
Este enanito sabÃa que se iba a morir y pronto se va a rasurar y se muere, y ya en cielo de las puertas del cielo sale un micrófono y los niños empiezan cantar:
Naranja dulce,limón partido… dame un abrazo, que yo te pido
Y el primer niño pasa… y luego el segundo igual… y ya le llega la hora al enanito y empieza a cantar:
Naranja dulce, limón partido… dame un abrazo, que yo te pido.
Y se mete el micrófono y salen unos altavoces y le dicen:
¡Serás enano, serás lampiño… pero esos huevos, no son de niño!
A caller named Eileen from Dearborn Heights was stopped at a red light on
West Road in Trenton when she saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of her:
Honk if you love Jesus
She does, so she did.
The driver got out with what looked like a sawed-off baseball bat, and
smashed dents into her hood.
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen.
To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what theyre doing they can be ready in two minutes.
Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Were very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right to get a real flame going.
Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm – all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction.
I was first.
Let me through.
Youre on my tail.
Thats my spot. Theyre like the Three Billion Stooges.
But the woman is like the egg – very cool: Well, whos it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. Im not swimming anywhere.
Nothing.
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him. Show him right in! our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and
shouts into it …and you tell them that we wont accept less then fifty
thousand dollars, and dont even call me until you agree to that amount!
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; Good Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?
Im from the phone company, Mr. Jones replied, Im here to connect your
phone.
Dogfish
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
A woman asks her husband if hed like some breakfast. Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?
He declines. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
Again he declines. No, thanks. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? Thatll only take a couple of minutes.
Once more, he declines. Again, thanks, but its this Viagra. Its really taken the edge off my appetite.
Well, then, she says, Would you mind getting off me? Im STARVING!