A woman was pulled over by West Virginia State Highway Patrolmen, for speeding.
When the officer approaches the car, the is hoping to get out of the ticket, so she asks, So can I buy tickets to the west virgina highway patrols ball?
The officer answers Maam, west virginia highway patrol men dont have balls.
Suffice to say, the woman did not get a ticket.
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.
No problem! Ill write you a check!
Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!
I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, its exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, its favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, youre a wimp.
If you dont, youre insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination.
If she asks you, its a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain.
If you dont, youre a slob.
If you buy her flowers, youre after something.
If you dont, youre not thoughtful.
If youre proud of your achievements, youre an egotist.
If youre not, youre not ambitious.
If she has a headache, shes tired.
If you have a headache, you dont love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
Estaban en un mitin todas las mujeres del mundo para hacerle a Dios tres peticiones muy importantes para ellas, y entonces, baja San Pedro con su libretita y su lápiz para apuntar sus peticiones.
DÃganme hijas, cual es su primer petición.
Primero, queremos que la regla no sea cada mes, que sea cada seis meses porque es una chinga estar cada 28 dÃas con esas molestias.
San Pedro anota la petición en su libretita.
Muy bien hijas, ¿cual es su segunda petición para el Señor?
Segundo, queremos que el embarazo no dure nueve meses, porque es muy cansado estar cargando esa panza todo ese tiempo, queremos que dure solo tres meses.
San Pedro anota la petición número dos en su libretita.
Perfecto hijas mÃas, y por último, ¿cual es la tercer petición?
Por último, queremos que el pene del hombre sea bonito porque ¡realmente es horrible!
San Pedro consternado anota la petición número tres y les pide a las mujeres que se reúnan nuevamente en un mes más.
Después del mes, se vuelven a reunir y las mujeres aclamando: que vivan las mujeres, que vivan las mujeres esperan a San Pedro que baja ipsofacto ante tal escándalo y comienza su discurso.
Hijas, la petición número uno, será otorgada parcialmente. La regla será cada cinco meses, porque seis estuvo medio cabrón. La petición número dos, será otorgada también parcialmente. El periodo de embarazo durará cuatro meses y medio, fue lo más que pude hacer por ustedes. Y la tercera petición, fue declinada completamente por nuestro señor.
Y las mujeres gritando y reclamando: ¿Pero por qué, señor?
Y les contesta San Pedro: ¡Porque si feo y peludo se lo maman, bonito se lo comen!
Esta es la historia de un culo que ya no querÃa ser culo, asà que hablo con el Supremo:
Ya no quiero ser un culo, pidió.
Pero, ¿por qué no quieres ser un culo?
Es que soy la cosa más miserable del universo; me ultrajan y abusan de mÃ. No, ya no quiero ser un culo, se queja.
Entonces, ¿qué quieres ser?
Yo quisiera ser un pajarito.
Y, zas, el AltÃsimo lo convierte en pájaro. Cuando se trepa a una rama de un árbol, como lo hacen todos los pájaros, llega otro pájaro que lo saluda:
Hola, culito.
No soy culito, reclama.
Eres un culo, insiste el ave.
No, que no soy.
Entonces, ¿qué eres?
Pues soy un pajarito.
A ver, canta.
Y comienza a cantar:
Prprprprprpr.
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, Now, who is going to tell the wife?
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.
Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.
She hollers, TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!
Rippington says, O.K.
How can you spot the Polish Jew at the Wailing Wall?
Hes the one with the harpoon.
To YOU Im an atheist; to God, Im the Loyal Opposition. –Woody Allen
Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. –Ambrose Bierce
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. –Reverend Chichester
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you dont believe? –Quentin Crisp
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? –Jules Feiffer
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. –Andrew Lias
God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. –Dr J D McCoughey
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. –H.L. Mencken
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didnt
work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. –Emo Phillips
She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead
clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out
all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really
swear every time the dice caught fire… –Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. –Unknown
I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. –Unknown
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. –Unknown