Old and New Jokes

Whats six inches long and guaranteed to give British Jewish women pleasure?


A ten pound note

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements

Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (dont even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct Electricity as easily as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A programmer died after leading a rather quit life. This guy was lucky, he got a choice between going to heaven or hell.

So he went on a tour of heaven with St. Peter. All around him people was singing and clapping hands or just leading a mild, peacefull existence. Mmm, this aint bad, thought the programmer. But what does hell look like?, he wondered.

Satan took him on a personal tour of Hell. They went to a bar with beautiful girls who did everything you asked with a smile. You didnt have to pay for anything, and It was situeted in a tropical paradise. Now THIS I could go for.

The programmer chose hell. The moment he set foot there, 4 ugly demons grabbed him and carried him off to a huge fire. Everything smelled fould and diseased, and there wasnt a sign of the tropical paradise he visited on the tour. So he asked Satan about it.

Laughing evilly, Satan replied That was the _demo_, man.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the Dirt for Sale sign in the front yard.

Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You dont think Jeffs jokes are funny.

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the Tricky Dick Virus, you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store, the alarm went off!

Están dos mexicanos tomando y uno le dice al otro:

¡Que viva la Menstruación!

Compadre, querrá decir: ¡Que viva la Revolución!

Es lo mismo, ¡lo importante es que corra sangre!

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit. 9 Iron

The man looks round and doesnt see anyone so he tries again. Ribbit. 9 Iron. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.



He says to the frog, Wow thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh? The frog replys Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog. The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog?, the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood. was the reply.



The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesnt know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, Ok where to next? The frog reply, Ribbit Las Vegas.



They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, Ok frog, now what? The frog says, Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, what do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit $3000 black 6. Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.



The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, Frog, I dont know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit, Kiss Me.



He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.



All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.



And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

For women – Helpful info.

For men – For the woman in your life.

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 2:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Dont breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasnt effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 3:

Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees). Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.