El tÃo Chema se encuentra cuidando la entrada en una fiesta de disfraces, cuando aparece un negro desnudo con una bolsa transparente que le cubre desde la cabeza hasta los pies. Curioso, el tÃo Chema le pregunta:
¿De qué vienes disfrazado?
Vengo disfrazado de moronga, contesta ufano el tipo.
¡Puta, negro, mejor hubiera sido que metieras un palo en el culo y vendrÃas disfrazado de chocobanano!
A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.
Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the skinny man.
Okay, see that giant redwood over there? said the lumberjack.
Take your axe and go cut it down!
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjacks door. I cut the tree down, said the little man.
The lumberjack couldnt believe his eyes and said, Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?
In the Sahara Forest, replied the puny man.
You mean the Sahara Desert, said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back…
Oh sure, thats what they call it now!
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I dont expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said, No, thats fine with me. Just understand that therell be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre here or not.
Your Mommas teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN!
It works better if you plug it in.
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and theyre off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. Help me find my ball. Look over there, he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces. After all of the years weve been partners and playing together," Jon says, "youd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks? What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!And youre a liar, too! Jon says. Ill have you know Ive been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!
(The story below is of my own telling; it is based upon a true
story told me by my uncle, but I have invented the name Howard,
inserted some opinions about hunting shows, and changed the course
of events slightly.)
My uncle told me about one of his friends, Howard, who was hired to
participate in one of those Saturday Sportsman shows. His job was
to hide in the bushes, holding a pheasant, and release it at the
appropriate moment, so that it could be promptly shot down for the
pleasure of the viewing audience.
Howards first brush with Hollywood was very exciting. Granted, no one
would ever see him, his name wouldnt be in the credits, but, at least it
was Show Business! Provided with a pheasant, and installed in a certain
stand of corn stalks, Howard waited for his cue to hurl the bird into
the air.
You, the viewer, dont see Howard, of course. You do see two Serious
Hunters stalking around, making Especially Wise Hunting Remarks. You
are admiring the perfect hunting dogs. And, just before the commercials,
magically, there is a flurry, a pheasant rises, accelerating, bright
wings beating furiously. This pheasant is an eager flier, having been
mysteriously held by normally lethal humans for about 40 minutes. So,
the pheasant, making his escape, meets his Maker instead, in the form
of a wall of buckshot. Pheasant drops, dogs expertly retrieve,
hunters unctuously auto-congratulate.
Howards turn to release his pheasant is approaching. He is very
nervous; this brush with Broadway is thrilling. He waits, determined
to expertly send this bird into the path of many little lead pellets:
so perfectly, that a Hollywood producer will see that bird, and think,
my God, that bird was very skillfully launched. Phone call for
Howard, its Spielberg! The fantasy is delicious.
And now, the Moment! Its the signal! Every muscle in Howards body
surges in the orbital delivery of this winged target. The pheasant
arcs up, up, up….. Its not flapping its wings very hard, though.
In fact, its not flying at all. Now the pheasant-projectile has
passed its apogee, and is streaking down for reentry with the cornfield.
Howards pheasant looks more like a rock disguised as a pheasant
than a real live pheasant. With a sickening thud, the pheasant slams
into the solid planet. The dogs wince and look away. The hunters
congratulate themselves on another superb display of hunting prowess,
made more remarkable by the absence of any shooting.
The camera swings away. Howard is crushed, his chance for
pheasant-slinging glory gone. The pheasant is crushed as well. Upon
post-mortem, it develops that Howard, in his anticipatory excitement,
has strangled the pheasant. It was horribly massaged to death,
in Howards nervous hands.
John Sahr, School of Elect. Eng., Upson Hall
Cornell University, Ithaca, NY 14853
Taught by women, for men. 101
Combating Stupidity 102
You Too Can Do Housework 103
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 104
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray 105
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money 106
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM 107
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly Dont Wash My Silks) 108
Parenting – No, It Doesnt End With Conception 109
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook 110
How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong 111
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right 112
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 113
You – The Weaker Sex 114
Reasons To Give Flowers 115
How To Stay Awake After 116
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom 117
Garbage – Getting It To the Curb 118A
You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try 118B
The Morning Dilemma – If Its Awake, Take a Shower 119
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous 120
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down 121
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost 122
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency 123
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes 124
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 125
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver 126
Honest, You Dont Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked 127
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works 128
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary 129
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary 130
Real Men Ask For Directions 131
How To Take Illness Like a Man
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldnt bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, Darling, Ive got a big surprise for you, at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. Now dont forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise, said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wifes hand on the stump.
Hmmmmm, she said softly, that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and Ill see what I can do!