Old and New Jokes

This isnt mine, I heard it on the radio this morning.

Mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds
to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
Where the hell have you been?!?!

Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to
another and I ended up in bed with her.

Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!

She sees his hands are covered with powder and…
You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!

Dave Goldberg
The Mitre Corporation

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. Ive kidnapped you!, said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde. The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

I knew today was going to be a bad one. I got my dental adhesive and my preperation H mixed up. Now my gums have shrunk so much that my teeth keep falling out and I may never be able to go to the bathroom again.

Then I got my nose spray and my eyedrops mixed up. The red has gone out of my nose and the tears in my eyes have dried up so I cannot see.

Poured beer on my rice crispies… They went snap crackle burp.

Think I will go back to bed if that damn cat has not taken over the bed.

Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he sees a big jar full of 5s and a little card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.

So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:

The same guy walks in the bar again and sees the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks How did you do that?

The guy says The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!

A very British one:

0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.

2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.

5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over – except for the bloody French.

6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

7. Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a pint.

8. Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9. Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say, Thats much better. Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for 10 minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10. Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmens wives, who you offer to give baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on comer of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12. Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Cant get key in door. Realize youve given address of the local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.

BASTARD! cried the Mother Superior. For years he told me it was Gabriels trumpet and I have been blowing it.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days! Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table rupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
The bartender cant contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful childs puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, Whats all the chanting and celebration about?
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2 – 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!

Una señora tuvo un hijo y le dijo a la enfermera, Señora, puedo ver a mi bebé.

Le dice la enfermera, Pero su hijo no tiene piernas.

No importa, déjemelo ver.

Pero su hijo no tiene brazos.

No importa, déjemelo ver.

Pero su hijo no tiene cuerpo.

No importa, déjemelo ver.

Entonces se fue la enfermera por el bebé y le trae una oreja a la mamá y la mamá dice, Mi amor de los corazones.

Y le dice la enfermera, Háblele más duro que es un poco sordo…

Dos hormigas descansan junto a un riachuelo esperando a que el día transcurra. En eso, la más pícara de las dos se da cuenta que cruzando el riachuelo hay una gran canasta con dulces y tortas que una familia había dejado allí por olvido y comienza a elucubrar cómo demonios llegar hasta allá cuando, justo en ese momento, pasa por ahí un sapo. Sin vacilar, la pícara hormiga se dirige al batracio:

Sapo, ¿nos podrías cruzar al otro lado del riachuelo para así llegar a esa canasta de allá? Si nos ayudas te daremos un pastel a cambio.

El sapillo accede y las hormigas se suben a su espalda, pero había un problema que las hormigas no habían considerado: el sapo estaba muy, pero muy hediondo, tanto que los insectos comenzaron con arcadas y terminaron vomitando. Ya en la otra orilla, después de pagarle al sapo lo prometido, la pícara hormiga le sugiere a su amiga:

No nos subiremos nuevamente a la espalda de ese sapo porque está insufrible. Mira, con estas tres pajitas que están en el suelo construimos una barca y nos llevamos las cosas hasta el hormiguero donde, seguro, seremos proclamadas héroes.

La compañera accede y juntas construyen su barca; pero como colocaron tantas cosas en la barquita, a mitad del camino ésta se les hundió y las hormigas murieron ahogadas.

Moraleja:

Más vale un sapo hediondo que tres pajas mal hechas.