She was soooooooo blonde…* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* At the bottom of an application where it says Sign here: she wrote Sagittarius.
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under education on her job application, she put Hooked On Phonics.
* She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DONT WALK.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold her car for gas money.
*When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, shed be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
*She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Co.
The other day my brother Abe asked if I had heard about the new Jewish car.
This car not only stops on a dime, It picks it up!
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone elses calls 24 hours a day didnt make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 oclock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, No problem. How many nights?
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. No, that wont be necessary, Leola said. We trust you.
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughters wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. Theres no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, Were prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel.
Leola replied. Well take it, but only if you change the telephone number.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place.
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell?
Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.
Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.
God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
Heres some advice Bill Gates dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they would not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair-get used to it.
RULE 2
The world wont care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You wont be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesnt have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, its not your parents fault, so dont whine about your mistakes – learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents werent as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and theyll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesnt bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You dont get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are youll end up working for one.
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
Also known as Post-Graduate Blues – attrib. Memphis Earlene Gray. Copyright © 1997 by Judith Podell. Used by permission.1. Most blues begin with Woke up this morning.2. I got a good woman is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman– with the meanest dog in town.3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs bout 500 pounds.4. The blues are not about limitless choices.5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin to die.6. Teenagers cant sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. (NOTE: Johny Lang is old enough to be tried as an adult)7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe e. peach9. You cant have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway b. the jail house c. an empty bedBad places for the Blues:
a. Kmart b. Gallery openings c. weekends in the Hamptons11. No one will believe its the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state–like Georgia
b.youre blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see
b. youre deaf
c. you
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when hes done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Please let us know!
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!