Old and New Jokes

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said, Yes, 3 times.

Three times!? how did it happen? he asks.

Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?

Yes, that was really a terrible time.

Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?

It is hard to believe, he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.

She continued, And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldnt afford the operation?

Of course I remember.

Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?

Yes, he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?

She responded, Do you remember when you ran for Temple president…

and needed 23 more votes?

I couldnt repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Llega un barco Ruso a un puerto latinoamericano. Toda la tripulación se dispone ir a la ciudad a buscar mujeres para complacer sus necesidades sexuales, pero se les advierte del alto indice de SIDA en el puerto y de que no deben tener relaciones sin usar condón.

Entonces todos los rusos van hacia la única farmacia abierta en la ciudad a comprar condones, pero por más muecas que hacen no logran hacer entender al vendedor que quieren condones ya que no hablan ni ingles ni español. Muy frustrados se regresan al barco, pero un marinero inteligente se va a la farmacia, se baja el pantalón, se saca el pito, lo coloca sobre el mostrador y pone un billete de un dólar al lado. Entonces el encargado se queda viendo y piensa:

Ummm… ¡Ah, ya sé! Lo que este ruso quiere es un condón, y el ruso muy feliz corre al barco y le avisa a todos como hizo para conseguirlo.

Todos los rusos van a la misma farmacia y hacen lo mismo, se bajan el pantalón se sacan la pija, la colocan en el mostrador y al lado un billete de a dólar. Pero a todo esto el encargado había salido a comer y lo reemplazaba temporalmente un negrito ayudante. Este, al ver a aquel monton de rusos piensa:

Umm… ¡Ah, ya sé qué quieren estos rusos!, entonces se baja el pantalon, saca aquella enorme pija, la coloca sobre el mostrador y dice:

Bueno, bueno, señores lo siento mucho pero la casa gana. Y recoge todos los billetes.

El presidente Bush da un discurso urgente a su país desde el avión presidencial y les dice:

Les tengo una buena y una mala noticia: La buena es que ya encontramos a Osama Bin Laden, y La mala es que va piloteando el avión presidencial.

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?



Because men refuse to ask for directions!





Whats the fastest way to a mans heart?



Through his chest with a sharp knife.





What is the worst part of a mans body?



His penis because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.





When is a man as smart as a woman



When he is plugged in to one.





How come men never sink in water?



Shit floats.





Why did the man cross the road?



Because there were no women on his side.





Why are men like blenders?



You need one, but youre not quite sure why.





What is the difference between men and pigs?



Pigs dont turn into men when they drink.





Why dont men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?



Because men are all PIGS.





WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?



YOU DONT HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS!





WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?



THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !





How many men does it take to change a light bulb?



None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.





How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Who knows; they never get the house





What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?



There both empty from the neck up.





why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?



he wasnt concentrating





Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?



Because God made man the perfect asshole.





What do men and linoleum have in common?



Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.





What do men and microwaves have in common?



Theyre both done in 30 seconds.





Whats a mans idea of foreplay?



A half hour of begging





How can you tell if a man is well hung?



If you cant get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!





How do you get a man to do sit-ups?



Put the remote control between his feet.





What did the elephant say to the naked man?



Its kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?





Whats the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?



Bigfoot has been sighted!





Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?



So men can understand them.





What is the difference between government bonds and men?



Government bonds mature.





Whats a mans idea of helping with house work?



lifting his legs so you can vacuum.





Whats the difference between man and E.T.?



E.T. phoned home.





What did God say when he created man?



I can do better than this.





How do men define a 50/50 relationship?



They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle





How do men exercise at the beach?



Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.





What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?



A hot dog and a 6 pack.





Why are men like noodles?



they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.





Why is it good that there are female astronauts?



because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, Have ye seen Mulligan
lately, Pat?

Pat said, Well, I have and I havent.

His friend asked, Shure, and what dye mean by that?

Pat said, Its like this, ysee…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another…it was neither of us.

Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays.
Stop circulating the Good Times Virus and Join the Crew e-mail.
Read all of the mail from all of the lists I have subscribed to.
Limit my subscriptions of lists to a maximum of fifty.
Back-up 4 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly.
Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta.
Insist that all ten best lists be strictly limited to ten.
Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk.
Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail.
Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway.
Try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe.
Promise when I hear Where do you want to go today?, I wont laugh. (Well, maybe not!)
Think of a password other than password to use on web sites.
Never throw another snowball via e-mail; at least not til next year.

Thanx to the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day!

Whats the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?

One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
Get tape back from puppy.
Remove scissors from older dogs mouth.
Open box.
Take puppy out of box.
Remove tape from older dogs mouth.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Put present in box.
Remove present from puppys mouth.
Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
Take tape away from older dog.
Unroll paper.
Take puppy OFF box.
Cut paper being careful not to cut puppys foot or nose that is getting in the way as he helps.
Let puppy tear remaining paper.
Take puppy off box.
Wrap paper around box.
Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
Take scissors away from puppy.
Take tape older dog is holding.
Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.
Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
Take bow from older dog.
Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.