Old and New Jokes

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not a babe or a chick;
She is a breasted person.

She is not a bleached blonde;
she is peroxide dependent.

She is not a bad cook;
she is microwave compatible.

She does not wear too much jewelry; she is metallically overburdened.

She is not conceited;
she is intimately aware of her best qualities.

She does not want to be married;
she wants to lock you in domestic incarceration.

She does not gain weight;
she is a metabolic under-achiever.

She is not a screamer or a moaner; she is vocally appreciative.

She is not easy;
she is horizontally accessible.

She does not tease or flirt;
she engages in artificial stimulation.

She is not dumb;
she is a detour off the information super-highway.

She is not too skinny;
she is skeletally prominent.

She does not have a moustache;
she is in touch with her masculine side.

She has not been around;
she is a previously enjoyed companion.

She does not wear too much perfume; she commits fragrance abuse.

She does not get you excited;
she causes temporary blood displacement.

She is not kinky;
she is a non-inhibited sexual companion.

She does not have a killer body;
she is terminally attractive.

She does not go shopping;
she is mall fluent.

She is not an airhead;
she is reality impaired.

She does not get drunk or tipsy;
she gets chemically inconvenienced.

She does not get fat or chubby;
she achieves maximum density.

She is not cold or frigid;
she is thermally inaccessible.

She is not horny;
she is sexually focused.

She does not wear too much make-up;
she has reached cosmetic saturation.

She does not have breast implants; she is gravity resistant.

She does not nag you;
she becomes verbally repetitive.

She is not a slut;
she is sexually extroverted.

She is not loose;
she is morally impaired.

She does not have major league hooters;
she is pectorally superior.

She does not have thin lips;
she is collagen depleted.

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didnt want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

No, the inmate said, just get it over with.

Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? said the guard. You didnt even want a special last meal!

The inmate thought. Actually, he said, Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing, One billion bottles of beer on the wall…

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating.
Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we cant stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
Remember: Yall is singular. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
People walk slower here.
Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective Big ol, as in big ol truck or big ol boy. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
He needed killin is a valid defense here.
If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this! stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their cars windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something youre supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, irectly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, youre better off trying to
find it yourself.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But Im not a Giants fan," the little hero replies."Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter."Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "Im not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "Im a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza. –Dave Barry

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

–Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love

Apparently a new galaxy is being formed or something. But
what it is, is they have discovered a huge cloud of dust
out there. And scientists believe if they could look and
see under the dust, they would find an enormous exercise
bicycle. –Bill Maher

I went on a diet but I had to go on two diets at the same
time because one wasnt giving me enough food. –Barry Marter

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30
years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found. –Calvin Trillin

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people. –Orson Welles

How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.

There were 2 blondes and a brunette.

The first blonde said I want to be smart. POOF! She was a brunette.

The other one said the same thing.POOF! She was a Brunette too!

The Brunette said I want to be dumb! POOF! She was a man!

Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in
his pay envelope.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man
returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

So did you follow him?

I did.

And…where did he go?

Over to your house…