Old and New Jokes

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said. Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!

But the preacher just replied Dont worry God will save me.

The man then said Whatever! and drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!

Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied Dont worry God will save me.

The man then said Whatever!! and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!

Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied Dont worry God will save me.

With that the man said Whatever! and jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!!

The man still just stood there and replied Dont worry God will save me. And with that the man said Whatever and flew away.

The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked God! Why didnt you save me from that horrible flood?!?

God then replied, I sent you a car,a raft,a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?

Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual cycle in on a Honda?

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

A1: They both have a black box.

A2: Both have a cockpit.

These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one…

I was scared at first.

It was very wide, and very long,

and it angled straight up.

I decided I had to try it once.

I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.

It felt weird at first.

Then I got used to it.

I went up and down, and up and down on it.

I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly,

and gently stretched it apart.

It was so pure and white.

I licked it once, twice … I found I couldnt stop.

I licked it faster and faster, and harder.

I began to scrape my teeth against it.

There it was, in my mouth!

All sweet and creamy.

I was done.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

I squeezed it gently at first,

then a little bit harder.

There seemed to be more and more of it

I moved it towards my lips.

It was a strange and new sensation for me.

I put it in my mouth

and moved it around and around with my tongue.

The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.

It was quite an experience.

The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.

They were both round and firm.

There was only the slightest difference between the two.

I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.

I used my other hand to grab the other one

and twist it hard the other way.

Now theres a brighter light bulb in the living room.

It was very long, kind of thin.

I slid it between my fingers

until I got to the end of it.

I was turning it on.

It became firm in my hands,

and the end was wet.

Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done.

I wanted to try but I didnt know if I could do it.

I called my friend.

He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.

He put his arms around me and started.

I watched nervously in the mirror.

He finally finished and pulled back slowly.

I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.

I wasnt sure just what I wanted to do with it.

I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.

I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

MORAL???

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the taxpayers.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Una pareja tenía 20 años de casados y durante todo ese tiempo cada vez que iban a hacer el amor, él apagaba las luces. La mujer pensaba todos los días como romper este loco habito de su marido.

Una noche, cuando estaban en medio del acto, ella encendió las luces de la habitación. Miró hacia abajo y vió a su marido sosteniendo un consolador.

Ella quedó completamente aturdida al ver lo que estaba pasando.

¿Tú impotente? ¿Cómo pudiste engañarme por todos estos años? ¡Exijo una explicación!

El esposo la mira directamente a los ojos y dice:

Yo te explico lo del consolador si tú me explicas por qué tenemos tres hijos.

Un tipo acude a un consultorio médico para hacerse el examen de la próstata. El galeno le explica:

Señor, de acuerdo a la comunicación oficial que el Colegio de Médicos me ha hecho llegar esta misma mañana, es mi obligación comenzar a practicar los exámenes de próstata de acuerdo al más reciente método aprobado por la Organización Panamericana de la Salud, el cual consiste en la introducción de mi pene para los efectos del chequeo respectivo; esto porque se descubrió que con la introducción del dedo se producen pequeñas pero significativas lesiones en el recto del paciente derivado del roce de las uñas.

El paciente, evidentemente sorprendido, replica con vehemencia:

Doctor, ¿cómo puede usted decirme tal cosa? ¿Por quién me está tomando? ¿Cree que soy imbécil o qué?

No, señor. Perdóneme, pero yo estoy obligado, por el juramento que hice, a practicar mi profesión de acuerdo a las normativas establecidas. Por eso ahora debo practicarle el examen de próstata con introducción de mi pene, porque esa es la orden expresa del Colegio de Médicos… Si lo desea márchese, o bien quédese para que yo haga mi trabajo por el bien de su salud.

El afectado, viendo que en realidad con ir donde otro médico no se salvaría del flamante método, al ser éste una norma gremial, accedió a practicarse el chequeo de esta forma. Y bien, ya estaba el médico en lo suyo cuando dice el paciente:

El afectado, pensando que de nada serviría acudir con otro médico porque tal vez no se salvaría del flamante método, al ser éste una norma gremial, accede a practicarse el chequeo de esa forma. Cuando ya el facultativo está en lo suyo, el paciente tímidamente le solicita:

Doctor, ¿me puede hacer un favorcito?

Sí, señor, con mucho gusto.

Sea tan amable de cerrar la puerta, que la gente va a creer que me está culeando…

Only them as knows their own…knows.

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.