Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He doesnt. He whines a while, says I feel your pain, and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

En la escuela, la maestra ordenó a sus alumnos hacer una oración para la clase de español que contuviera la palabra supongo. Al siguiente día hubo tres niños que llevaron la tarea:

Pedrito, que es de clase alta, dijo: Esta mañana vine al colegio en el Mercedes, supongo que el Rolls Royce está en el taller.

Juanito, de clase media, dijo: Esta mañana desayunamos huevos con jamón, supongo que el tocino se acabó.

Pepito, que es de clase baja dijo: Esta mañana vi pasar a mi abuela al baño con el periódico debajo del brazo, supongo que a cagar porque no sabe leer.

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. Ive got a problem, says Buffy.

Whats the matter? asks John.



Well, Ive bought this jigsaw puzzle, but its too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I cant find any edges.



Whats the picture of? asks John.



Its of a big rooster, replies Buffy.



All right, says John, Ill come over and have a look.



So he goes over to Buffys house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, For Petes sake – put the Cornflakes back in the box.

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, one says, but we have no one to go to with our own problems. Since were all professionals, another suggests, why dont we hear each other out right now?
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, Im a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can. The second admits, I have a drug problem thats out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me. The third psychiatrist says, I know its wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just cant keep a secret.

You might be a redneck if…
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

Id like some raisin bread please, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as hes having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, Is yours raisin too?

No, croaks the old man … But its startin to twitch.

A guy goes to visit hisgrandmother and he brings his friend with him.

While hes talking to his grandmother, hisfriend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.

As theyreleaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says" Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Omar!
Omar live who?
Omar goodness gracious, wrong door!

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two–One to promise hell do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!