Two guys out hunting and they just shot a deer. As theyre walking up to it, the one hunter says, Man. Do I have to take a dump. So, the other hunter says, While I start gutting the deer, why dont you take a dump next to them bushes.
Good idea, be right back.
So the guy walks over next to some bushes and squats down.
Meanwhile his buddy slices open the deer and throws the guts over his shoulder, landing them next to his buddy, unbeknownst to him.
About an hour later, the guy gutting the deer says to his friend, Hey, you okay?
The guy taking a dump says, Well, I took a shit over in the bushes like you told me, and I shit my guts out. BUT, with a sharp stick and a little of gods luck, I got them all back in!
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Dec
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Dec
Warren.
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Dec
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
The winner of last years hide and seek contest.
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Dec
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes its a gay bar, but decides, What the heck, I really want a drink.
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, Whats the name of your penis?
Guy: Look, Im not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
Waiter:Im sorry, but I cant serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike for the slogan Just Do It That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers because It Really Satisfies.
The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says hell give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, Hey, bud, whats the name of your penis?
Other customer: Timex!
First guy: Why Timex?
Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.
First guy:Whats the name of your penis?
Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?
Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.
Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is Secret!
Waiter: (pouring beer) Why Secret?
Guy:(proudly) Because its strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
10
Dec
About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started Dear Santa…, he thought No, I will go to a higher authority, so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks..
NO NO NO NO I cant be good for two weeks, he thought to himself.
So he started all over again…
Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week.
NO NO NO NO I cant be good for one week, he thought to himself.
So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.
He started all over again.
Dear Jesus, I have your mother…if you ever want to see her again…get me a bike for Christmas!
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Dec
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep
their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to
everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new
rabbi see right through the brothers deceptions, but he also spoke well and
true about it. Due to the rabbis honesty and integrity, the temples membership
grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much
bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the
new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount
needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
I have only one condition, he said. At the funeral, you must say my brother
was a mensch. You must say those exact words.
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it
immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back.
He was an evil man, he said about the dead brother. He cheated on his wife
and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act. He railed on
and on about the deceased.
After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his
shoulders. Finally, he said, But compared to his brother, he was a mensch.
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Dec
Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.
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Dec
A person who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
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Dec
A German, Englishman and Arab are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families.
The German says, I have 4 kids, one more and theyll make a basketball team.
The Englishman says, Huh! Thats nothing I have 10 boys; one more and Ill be the world-champion soccer-teams coach.
The Arab starts laughing. He says, Ive had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and Ill open a golf course!
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Dec
Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
Its the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum?