In the Apple vs. IBM/Microsoft lawsuit, Apple is ahead on points. After a
long weekend of preparation, the Apple lawyer met the IBM lawyer outside
the courtroom and was overheard to say, You look like I feel.
[Ed: Which reminds me of the cartoon that depicts a newspaper stand
displaying the headline, Lotus sues Paperback Software for millions
over look and feel. and a hooker standing in front of the newstand
with a sign that says, Look and Feel, only $50. ]
— Scott
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest. What? the coach says in a panic, How far down does it go? She replies, Down to my testicles. Thats something else I want to talk to you about.
If I Cant Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two on you.
If The Phone Dont Ring, Youll Know Its Me.
How Can I Miss You If you Wont Go Away?
I Liked You Better Before I Knew you So Well.
I Still Miss you, Baby, But My Aims Gettin Better.
I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause Im Afraid shed win.
Ill Marry You Tomorrow, But Lets Honeymoon Tonight.
Im So Miserable Without You; Its Like Having You here.
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Id Be Out By Now.
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss him.
She Got The Ring, And I Got The Finger.
Youre The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
Shes Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the No. 1 favorite country song is:
I Havent Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But Ive sure woke up with a few.
On Freds 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Freds 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.
What do you mean you dont want me to do it any more, she said baffled by his actions.
I just dont want you to hold me anymore, replied Fred.
Why, is there someone else?
Actually there is, Fred shamefully admitted.
Well what does she have that I dont have?
Parkinsons, replied Fred.
Why doesnt onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
Why do tugboats push their barges?
Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why are they called stands when theyre made for sitting?
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, Jump! Jump! Its your only chance to survive!
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away…the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
Cmon! Jump! You gotta jump! say the firemen to the Redhead.
Oh no! Youre gonna pull the blanket away! says the Redhead.
No! Its Brunettes we cant stand! Were OK with Redheads!
OK says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell Jump! You have to jump!
No way! Youre just gonna pull the blanket away! yelled the Blonde.
No! Really! You have to jump! We wont pull the blanket away!
Look, the Blonde says, nothing you say is gonna convince me that youre not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when youre mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first babys pacifier by boiling it and to your last babys pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
A
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside
him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa
bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl
said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike
over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The
cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it." The young girl looked
up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he
sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked
up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: Id run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of the Raiders said, To win, Id run over Joes Mom, too.
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (1996)
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: You guys line up alphabetically by height. and You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: I play football. Im not trying to be a professor. The tests dont seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I havent been through in school.
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: Thats so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.
Shaquille ONeal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: I cant really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.
Shaquille ONeal, on his lack of championships: Ive won at every level, except college and pro.
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record in 1992: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: My sisters expecting a baby, and I dont know if Im going to be an uncle or an aunt.
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back. (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the teams co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: Im going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too. (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet. (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating. (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: Its basically the same, just darker. (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot. (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, Coach, I dont know and I dont care. (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.
A Scotsmans last daughter got married and the old man was just thrilled to death – the confetti was getting dirty.