Old and New Jokes

Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.

Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.

Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then

a + b = t
(a + b)(a – b) = t(a – b)
a^2 – b^2 = ta – tb
a^2 – ta = b^2 – tb
a^2 – ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 – tb + (t^2)/4
(a – t/2)^2 = (b – t/2)^2
a – t/2 = b – t/2
a = b

So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jacksons new book?

A: Its called, The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – theres no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.

The following are strange error messages you can get Unix to generate.

They were culled during the summer of 1988 from rec.humor. As
we all know, real error messages have two parts: a message code, and a
return code. Ideally, the message code is hexadecimal, the return code
is octal, and the manual explaining the error messages uses decimal.
But Unix ™, in keeping with its characteristic lexical confusion,
produces error messages which, although designed to make the system
appear sentient, and conversational, ultimately make the system seem as
stupid as it is. Note that the % prompt indicates that the command
should be issued from the C shell, and the $ prompt indicates the
Bourne shell. Enjoy.

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% How would you rate Reagans incompetence?
Unmatched .

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many (s.

% make love
Make: Dont know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man: : Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% (-
(-: Command not found.

% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

The Kiddie Pick

When youre by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, theres no time limit!



Camouflaged Kiddie Pick

When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.



Fake Nose Scratch

When you make believe youve got an itch but youre really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.



Making A Meal Out Of It

You do it so furiously, and for so long, youre probably entitled to dessert.



Surprise Pickings

When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.



Autopick

The kind you do in a car, when no ones looking.



Pick Your Brains

Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.



Pick And Save

When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they dont catch on to what you did.



Pick And Roll

No explanation needed.



Pick And Flick

Ditto.



Pick And Stick

You wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.



Paydirt

The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

I heard this joke recently from Martin Black, an Irish folksinger who tours
with his two brothers as The Black Brothers. In the Irish idiom, it went
thus:

An Irish walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits
in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well,
you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink
this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. Whne he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss. The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eye and he laughes. Oh, no, he says, everyones fine. Im just
off the liquor.

The Tomato family is walking down the street. Theres the mama tomato, the papa tomato and baby tomato.
Theyre walking at a good pace when the baby starts lagging behind. Papa tomato starts getting mad. By the third block papa is so furious that he runs back and with his fist, squashes baby tomato.
He smiles and says, Ketchup!

You boil the hell out of it.