Old and New Jokes

(I got this one from my next door neighbor, who got it from his brother…)

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in
Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles
from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.
He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your
primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock
quarry down the road. The work isnt easy, but you will get used to it.
Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights.

Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong
enough that it isnt a real problem.

However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely.
With the nearest women 200 miles away, he cant imagine how the other miners
endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.

What do you want? asks the manager.

Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but …
well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?

Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something.

The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage.
He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until
he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred
years old. At the end is a barrel.

The manager says: The other miners use this.

What?

Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out.

Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he
gives it a shot. He absolutely cant believe the results. He practically
busts a nut–the best damned blow job hes ever gotten.

Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes
back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even
better than last time. Truly unbelievable!

So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday.
He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He cant think of much to do, so
he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into
the manager, who asks him:

What are you doing here?

Its my day off …

Day off? Hell no! Its your turn in the barrel.

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand hell get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. His best friend happens to come into the bar and sees him. Ben,says the shocked friend, what are you doing? Ive known you for over fifteen years, and Ive never seen you take a drink before. Whats going on?

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, My wife just ran off with my best friend. He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. But, says the other man, *Im* your best friend!

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, Not anymore! **HE** is!

The state patrol car FINALLY got the speeding car to stop, and the cop asked, Buddy, why didnt you stop when I turned on my flashing lights? Did you think that you could outrun ME?

Im sorry, officer. But, last week, my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you was him trying to bring her back!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.

We hadnt gone too far when my wifes mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, Thats once.

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly said,

Thats twice.

We hadnt gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, Thats once.

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the womans house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom! So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. Why are you naked? he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.

Okay. the man replies Ill go get ready.

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

Who the hell are you?! the man asks.

Im from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.

The husband exclaims, But you are naked!

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says… Those little bastards!

There was a Chinese pilot and a Jewish pilot on a flight to NYC. For some reason, they werent too fond of one another, and there was a long, tense silence that accompanied them on their trip. Finally, the Jewish pilot said something to the Chinese pilot:


I dont like the Chinese. They bombed Pearl Harbor.


No, no, no, said the Chinese man. That was the Japanese.

Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, same thing.

Another half hour of tense silence.

The Chinese pilot finally said to the Jewish pilot, I dont like the Jews. They sank the Titanic.

No, no, no! That was an iceberg!

Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, same thing.

Husband : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?



Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.



Husband : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?



Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Like, why dont you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you ? Im, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

Well said the drunk, it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

Let me have it said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. Yes he finally said, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

From my nose the drunk replied.

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.

Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotels valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting.

Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, My, you come lickety-split!

No, maam, replied the elderly Chinaman. Come to get laundry.