Old and New Jokes

What is the French word for dentures?

APERITIF

A glimpse into our future…

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Gray Hair



A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, Dont worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify. The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.



Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, Too bad you didnt drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!

Q: Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Top Ten Signs youre Not Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

They keep shouting Do over!

When umpire yells, Strike 3! batter looks at him as if the dudes speaking French.

Try as they might, they just cant scratch themselves like professionals.

First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts Dinner time!

Players constantly adjusting each others cups.

You overheard the coach yelling, Run, Forrest, run!

They play like the Mets.

Yo mommas so fat even her cloths have stretch marks

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: The man who comes to visit your wife every night didnt show up yesterday…

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because its too far to walk!

Why dont most women ever tell their husbands when theyre really enjoying sex?

Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

[Scene of two women sitting in a kitchen arguing.]

Woman One: Its a detergent.

Woman Two: Its a contraceptive.

Woman One: Its a detergent.

Woman Two: Its a contraceptive.

Woman One: Its a detergent.

Woman Two: Its a contraceptive.

Anouncer: Your both right! New Earstide is both a detergent AND a
contraceptive!

[Scene changes to faceless woman doing laundry. Before and
after scenes show clothes coming out of the wash spotless.]

Earstide can get even the toughest stains out! Look how it completely
removes dried in food stains, grass stains, caked in mud, and even blood
stains.

[Charts are now shown.]

But thats not all! Earstide has also shown to be 95 percent effective
contraceptive.
How can Earstide do all these great things? Because Earstide is made
from real protein, and protein gets out protein!

[Scene goes back to kitchen with same two women.]

Woman One: Gee, Id prefer Earstide to filling my body with hormones.

Woman Two: And it gets the sheets so clean…

A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day shed had at work, that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

How horrible said the friend, what did you do?

The blonde replies, Well there was nothing I could do, he kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldnt tell me the rest of the numbers!