Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps.

The guy says Well, Ive suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!

Wow, that must have been hard! the bartender says What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?

The guy at the bar replies Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, hey, how is it going down there?

The cannibal at the bottom says this is great, Im having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, youre eating too damn fast.

Knock-knock



Whos there?





Cargo





Cargo who?





Cargo BEEP BEEP!

A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his wife hes going hunting and that she can either go hunting with him, let him fuck her in the ass, or give him a blow job.



He informs her that hes going out to get the dog, load up the hunting gear and will be back to get her decision.



About an hour later, he comes back into the house and asks his wife what she wants to do.



Well, she says, I aint going hunting with you, and you sure as hell aint fucking me in the ass, so I guess it will be a blow job.



Shes down there giving him the job when all of a sudden she starts coughing and spitting and says, Your dick tastes like shit!



He replies, Well, the dog didnt want to go hunting either.

Bob and John were out hunting one day and came across a goat with her head stuck in a fence. John dropped his drawers and bonged her real good and turned to Bob an says Want some? Well, ol Bob says Sure, and stuck his head in the fence next to the goat.

Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:

WITCH BURNING
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on a skunk! What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome … uh, womyn.

WINDOW WAXING
These days youll only set off the light, noise, motion, and aroma sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights — if youre lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.

TRICK-OR-TREATING
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.

Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

(via Swiggy)

Q: Whats the difference between a Galley Slave and a Graduate Student?

A: They occasionally fed Galley Slaves.

How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
Terrorists can be negotiated with.

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lords Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer. Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the mans generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!

There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.