Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Another guy walks into a bar with a one foot man sitting on his shoulder.

He ordered a beer.

The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lept off his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap.

The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky.

As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts face and smashed the shot glass against the wall.

I have to know…. where did you get that guy?

Well… Ill tell you… I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed it, and a geenie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve inch prick and this is what I got…

A blonde was walking along the beach when she finds an old bottle floating in the water. The blonde goes over and picks it up and notices a cork in the top of the bottle. She pulls out the cork and a genie pops out.

Thankyou for letting me out after 10000 years, stuck in that bottle and to say thankyou I will give you 3 wishes.

The blonde thinks for a little while and finally decides on her first wish.

I would like to be 10% smarter

The genie does her magic and she is turned into a red head.

I dont think I am smart enough yet, I would like to be 100% smarter than what I am

So the Genie does her magic a second time and she turns in to a brunette.

I dont think I am smart enough yet I would like to be 1000% smarter than what I am

So the genie turns her into a man!

In a small town in the rural south, poor, fun-loving, good-ole-boy
Billy Bob died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad, and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So, his two buddies, Jimmy Lee and Donnie Ray,
went down to the morgue.

Jimmy Lee went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jimmy Lee said Yep, hes burnt so bad, I cant tell from the front. Roll him over.

So the mortician rolled him over. Jimmy Lee took one look at his ass and
said Hell no, that aint Billy Bob.

The mortician didnt say anything but thought that was kind of
strange. Then he brought in Donnie Ray to identify. the body. Donnie Ray took a look at him and said Yup, hes burnt real bad, rollhim over.

The mortician rolled him over. Donnie Ray looked down at his ass and said
No, that aint Billy Bob.
The mortician said How can you tell? Donnie Ray said Well, Billy Bob had two assholes.
What? He had two assholes? asked the mortician.

Yep, everybody in town knew he had two assholes. Hell, every time we went
to town, somebody would shout out: Here comes Billy Bob with them
two
assholes!

Estaba un borracho afuera de su casa y le grita a su mujer:

Vieja, ábreme la puerta.

Y su mujer le responde: No porque vienes borracho, allí te vas a quedar afuera.

Entonces en tono molesto le dice:

Abre la puerta o la tumbo a patadas.

Y la respuesta de la mujer fue la misma, hasta que le dice en tono dulce pero morboso:

Viejita, si abres la muerta te voy a agarrar como a las lagartijas.

Entoces la mujer a bre la puerta y la pregunta:

¿Como las lagartijas, y cómo es eso?

Y le dice el borrachín:

¡A PEDRADAS!

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.



Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.



Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.



Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.



Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.



Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head.

A2: No. Good!



Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?

A: The bucket.



Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?

A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.



Q: What is the definition of a crying shame?

A: There was an empty seat.



Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you cant understand



Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.



Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetery



Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.



Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.



Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.



Q:Where can you find a good lawyer?

A:In the city morgue.



A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2+2? The housewife replies: Four!. The accountant says: I think its either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time. The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?



A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor. Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie? Amie shyly stood up, scoffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman. Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy? Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whore house. The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

A man was seated next to a stiff-looking Baptist minister on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The man asked for a whiskey and soda, which he got. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, Id rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.



The man then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I didnt know there was a choice.

HUNCHBACKS WIFE: Im getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.



DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)



HUNCHBACK: I dont like getting undressed.



DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back youll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)



HUNCHBACK: I dont like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.



DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))



DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?



HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?



DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack