Old and New Jokes

Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to
the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection. The madam
was crestfallen.

Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy… No one left but me.

Gee, we spent most of the evening getting rid of our wives and were leaving
tomorrow, isnt there anything you can do?

Well theres always me, I give specials…

The first guy decided hed go for it and when he came back downstairs he had
a grin ear to ear.

How was it? How much was it?

It was great! I got the $25 special. She has this can of Readi-Whip and
she sprays it all around and then licks it off, great!

The second fellow doesnt hesitate, bolts up the stairs and is back after a
while, grinning like the first.

How was it? How much was it?

It was super! I got the $50 special. Same as Jack, the Readi-Whip, but
she had some chopped walnuts that she sprinkled on it. Nibbled off the
walnuts and licked off the Readi-Whip, faantaaastic!

The third could not be constrained, he raced up the stairs and came back
shortly thereafter, chin between his knees.

Gosh! What happened? What went wrong?

Well, I got the $75 special, kinda like what you guys got but she starts
with a pineapple ring. Then theres the Readi-Whip, the chopped walnuts,
but shes got some chocolate sprinkles and a cherry she puts on top. Damn!
it looked so good I ate it myself…

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers.

The best man exclaims, Come on man, its your honeymoon, youre supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!

The groom replies, I will be out in a few minutes, hon, Ill be ready soon.

After a few more minutes, the bride cant wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom wont know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!

*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, Honey, theres shit in your box!!!

Boom! Boom! Boom! (Theres pounding on the wall…) The best man yells from the other room, Turn her over, turn her over!

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVDs and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

OK, so theres this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. Shes cruisin about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.



The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.



The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!! She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, While you werent looking I stepped out of the circle!

Wink, Ill do the rest!

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?

A: Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?

Irving can?t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ?I think I have the perfect girl for you. She?s descended from royalty, she?s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she?s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She?s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She?s also got the nicest personality of anyone you?ve ever met. But there?s one problem: she?s not Jewish.?


Irving says, ?My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ?Leave it to me.?


And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ?Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ?Look, Mrs. Mandelbaum, I don?t mean to speak out of turn, but your boy Irving isn?t getting any younger. To tell you the truth, he?s not so good looking, he doesn?t have a good job, he?s out of shape, he?s scrawny, he?s short, he?s not too bright, he?s still living with his mother, and he?s not exactly irresistible. Let me tell you, this is the best we?re going to get. It may be your son?s last chance. Are you really going to stand in the way of your son?s happiness??


The son chimes in too: ?Look, Ma, I?ve tried and I?ve tried, and I?ve gotten nowhere. This is the only chance I have. I don?t want to be a lonely old man. Please let me do it!?


Tearfully, the mother finally gives in and agrees to the match.


The matchmaker claps her hands together and says, ?Great! Now half my work is done!?

Here are a couple of my favorite examples of gullible people (true stories).

Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually
very hard to get one for the kiddies. A radio station (I dont know where)
announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people
of this particular city. The plan was that they had to go to the football
field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and
the dolls would be dropped onto the field. People were supposed to hold
their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the
airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the
dolls to the recipients accounts.

People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

Another radio station prank took place on April Fools Day. They
announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the
phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the
wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of
the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone, and could dirty the rugs or
furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good
citizens please get plastic baggies and put them over the handsets of the
telephones to protect their belongings.

Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the
radio station retract the original claim.

Ive always felt that the retraction should have been handled this way:
The phone company would like us to tell you that our earlier message
concerning the blowing of dirt out of the phone lines was incorrect. The
phone company does not, repeat NOT, blow into the telephone wires to clean
out the dirt. Anybody with any understanding of the way the system operates
would know that they suck the dirt out.

Alas, the retraction was serious and factual. Whats this world coming
to anyway?