Old and New Jokes

Q: What did King Tut say to the museum?

A: I want my mummy!

This is a story of four people called Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was some important work that had to be done, and Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody
got angry because of this, since it was Everybodys job. Everybody thought
Anybody could do it, but Nobody understood that Everybody wouldnt do it. It
ended with Everybody blaming Somebody as Nobody did what Anybody could have
done.

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Im on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.

Psychiatrist: Dont you have a phone in your car?

Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

Psychiatrist: Uh … Hows that working?

Blonde: Actually, I havent gotten any letters yet.

Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?

Blonde: I figure its because when Im driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

————-

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:

Parking for drive-through customers only!

————-

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents Ma and Pa.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.

The barkeep says 5 shots, yes the guy says Im celebrating my first blowjob.

The barkeep replies hell let me buy you 1.

No thanks the guy says if 5 dont get the taste out of my mouth, then the 6th wont matter.

Un tipo que viajaba en avión estaba en necesidad urgente de usar el baño. A cada intento de utilizarlo, lo encontraba ocupado. La sobrecargo, consciente de su necesidad le sugirió que utilizara el baño de damas, pero le advirtió que se abstuviera de apretar los botones.

Eran 4 botones marcados con las letras AT, AC, TA y RAT.

Cometiendo el fatal error de muchos hombres de desatender lo que una mujer les dice, decidió probar los botones para satisfacer su enorme curiosidad. Cuidadosamente apretó el primer botón marcado con AT e inmediatamente un chorro de AGUA TIBIA roció su parte baja y pensó: Caramba, qué bien la pasan las mujeres.

Curioso, apretó el segundo botón marcado con AC e inmediatamente una corriente de AIRE CALIENTE secó suavemente su parte baja y pensó: Caramba, todo esto parece de otro mundo.

Su curiosidad lo llevó a apretar el tercer botón con TA e inmediatamente un TALQUEADOR AUTOMÁTICO empolvó su parte baja con un oloroso y suave talco.

La estaba pasando tan bien que naturalmente apretó el cuarto botón marcado con RAT.

Cuando despertó en el hospital, muy asustado llamó a la enfermera y le preguntó: ¿qué es lo que pasó?, lo último que recuerdo es que estaba en el baño de damas de un avión.

La enfermera contestó: Claro, usted la estaba pasando tan bien, hasta que apretó el botón RAT para activar el REMOVEDOR AUTOMÁTICO DE TAMPONES (TAMPAX)… pero no se preocupe, su pene está debajo de la almohada.

Erase una vez un tartamudo que vivía en un pueblo que odiaba a los tartamudos. Un día fue a una cantina a pedir un vaso de coca-cola y preguntó:

Se-se-se-se-señor mmmmme PUpupupupu…

Y el cantinero dijo:

¡Vete a la mierda tartamudo conchetumade!

Volvió a la semana después de practicar y dijo:

Se-señor, me pupuede ddddddaadadaadadadadadaddaada…

¡Tartamudo conchetumadre vete a la mierda!

Y así fue la historia durante un largo año de práctica, cuando volvió con su frase bien preparada y dijo:

Señor, me puede dar un vaso de coca-cola por favor?

Y el cantinero responde:

¿Helada o sin helar?

El tartamudo muy enojado por la pregunta responde:

CocococococococONCHETUMADRE!

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said because my friend out there is picking a watermelon!