Old and New Jokes

My wife dresses to kill . . . and cooks the same way!

Schemmers Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? Im in Hell.

Devil: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, Youre gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays thats all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt.
Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, its
okay…. youre already dead.

Guy: No Way !

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horseraces, you name it. we even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, i love drugs! You dont mean…

Devil: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl
of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you
want. If you overdose, Its Okay… youre already dead.

Guy: Alright ! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So…. are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

Russel

• Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
• Kids eat free night at the steak house.
• Pizza.
• Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
• Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
• Chips and salsa.
• Cocoa Puff surprise.
• Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
• Cold pizza.

• Whatevers cooking at Grandmas.

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out Revelation 3:20 on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

________________________________________________________ Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. – Revelation 3:20 ________________________________________________________

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preachers message was written the following notation:

________________________________________________________ I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. – Genesis 3:10

Bridegroom: How much for the room? Hotel Clerk: Twenty dollars apiece. Bridegroom: Okay. Heres $

140.

A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, Comrade General,
what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?

The general replied, I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy
man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?

Of course, replied the adjutant.

No, youre wrong, said the general. A filthy man is filthy by his nature,
and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of
cleanliness, will bathe.

I understand, comrade general.

Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside
a bath house. Will he go in?

Absolutely not, replied the adjutant immediately.

Youre wrong again, said the general. Why should a filthy man not
enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to
become clean, and he will use it.

I think I understand, comrade.

Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house.
Will he go in?

How the hell should I know?

Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic.

(A very similar joke from Leo Rostens The Joys Of Yiddish (If you havent
got a copy of this book, then drop everything and go out and buy a copy–its
full of jokes, folk sayings and other assorted witticisms.))

When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If youre cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

There were three Roosters… a straight rooster, a retarded rooster and a gay rooster.

The straight rooster says cockeldoodeldoo.

The retarded rooster says doodledoodlecock, and the gay rooster says anycockeldoo!