Old and New Jokes

A young man had just started up his own business firm. He was sitting at his desk on his first day when he saw a man approaching his office. To make himself look good, he picked up the phone and proceeded to pretend he was organising a big, important business deal. When he was finished, he put down the phone and asked,Hello, how may I help you today?To which the man replied,Hi. Ive come to activate your phone lines.

The attached was sent to me by a medical associate. Its not terribly funny but somewhat amusing. All I can say is: OUCH!!!

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he needed a doctor who took care of mens problems. The patient was pale, febrile, feverish and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of torn, black and blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts and two or three yards of foul smelling stained gauze, wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous (swollen) skin and various exudates, I saw some half buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked and he had closed the laceration himself with a heavy duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one inch staples of the type used to put up wall board.

We X-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples, admitted him to the hospital and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachloro-phene sitz baths prior to surgury the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement (removal old dead skin) of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rust staples were retrieved and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed (ripped or torn out) and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels litigated (tied off) properly, though not much of a hematoma (pocket of blood) was present. Through and through Penrose drains (7) were sutured loosely in site and teh skin loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful and before his release from hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didnt leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley wheel and the drive belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.

I can only assume that he has abandoned this method of self gratification.

In light of the New Morality, Playboy is starting an edition strictly
for married people. It has the same centerfold every month.

Michael J. Farren

This in from the journal Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, August
1991 issue.

Under the heading Office Anecdote comes the following:

While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a
young woman, I asked her whether her partner was circumcised. My
query drew only a blank look. I rephrased the question in what I felt
was a clever and tactful manner : When he doesnt have an erection, can
you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin?

Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response : Ive never seen him
without an erection. I felt rather obsolete the rest of the day.

Andrew Johnstone, MD, RPh, Indy South Family Physicians, Indianapolis.

A doctor tells his patient –

Ive got some good news and Ive got some bad news for you.

So, the patient asks, Whats the good news, Doc?

And the doctor says, Theyre going to name a disease after you!

Un pequeño de 4 años tiene una hermana de 18 años. En una ocasión, al cruzar por el dormitorio de su hermana, el niño observa a través de la puerta entreabierta a la chica, totalmente desnuda, frente al espejo acariciándose apasionadamente el cuerpo, al tiempo que murmuraba:

¡Ah, cómo deseo un hombre! ¡Cómo deseo tener un hombre! ¡Lo deseo tanto! ¡Sííí, lo deseooooo!

Y la joven se acariciaba más y más.

Más tarde, el chiquitín va al jardín y encuentra a su hermana con el novio cuando estaban en lo más lindo del amor: besos y caricias y grandes manoseos.

Entonces, el niño sale corriendo a su dormitorio, se desnuda completamente, se para frente al espejo y comienza a acariciarse el cuerpo diciendo:

¡Un ticiclo… quiedo un ticiclo! ¡Aggg, cómo deseo un ticiclo!

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.



She heard the train stop and her son say, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train cause were leaving.



The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language.



Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.



For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us.



And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen.

On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his
lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choice:

The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop;
The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places;
To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
gene pool.

Several other customers also drew their guns, but didnt fire. No one
else was hurt.

Horton actually heard the Who, but Dr. Suess was afraid that his
sales would slip if parents thought he condoned rock music.

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.