A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.
The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesnt want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: She choked.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.
Posted in Political |
Top Ten Signs Youre Becoming a Teenager
10) Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.
9) Metal Mouth and Tinsel Teeth have replaced your real name.
8) You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!
7) Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.
6) Even your zits have zits!
5) Its not safe to say the word mall around you.
4) Lets just say . . . sometimes you dont smell too good.
3) Youve gone from A. . . to B . . . to C . . . cup!
2) If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what youre wearing than what youre going to say.
1) If someone at your house is PMSing, its not always your mom!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town.
Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camels butt.
Just then a guy came over and said, What are you doing?
Osama replied, About two miles back I heard someone say, Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.
Posted in Political |
Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts! And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, Please dont be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just cant.
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says…
How soon do you have to know?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Psychiatrist: Whats your problem?
Patient: I think Im a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Posted in Animal |
The girls prayer:
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan,
the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.
The boys prayer:
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.
Posted in Religious |