Old and New Jokes

The following is a letter I sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. I still havent received a response …

Miller Brewing Company

Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80s). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.

For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.

That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didnt like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

Your cans are made of aluminum.
Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. Theres no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38( and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95(.

Beer TypeAverage Suckpoint (min)
Miller Lite (white can)6.2
Bud (white can)5.5
Bud Lite (silver can)5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can)4.4
Coors Lite (silver can)4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can)2.8
Coors (gold can)0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee

Beer-drinker

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa
was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus
told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More
stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened
the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas, Santa. Isnt it a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning when he came across a prostitute at an intersection. He asked her what she would charge for an evening.

She replyed that she charges $150 dollars. Bill then asked if she would spend the evening for $10.

She said no and Bill jogged away.

The next day Bill was out jogging with Hillary. The prostitute was back at the same intersection.

As Bill and Hillary passed the intersection the prostitute called out Well thats what you get for $10.

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

Youre all grown men, he said, and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.

What? gasped one of the sons. Do you mean to say were all bastards?

Yes, snapped the old man, and cheap ones, too!

I love my master;

Thus I perfume myself with

This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up

In the sunshine, happier than

You ever will be.

Today I sniffed

Many dog butts – I celebrate

By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!

Paperboy – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!

Garbage man – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and

Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot –

Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?

The ways are numberless as

My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!

I am so ecstatic I have

Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain.

Look, world, they strangle me! Ack

Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot – no greater bliss – well,

Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and

Deny it. No human could

Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all

Bad – she fills the litter box

With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence – why?

Because its there. Because its

There. Because its there.

I am your best friend,

Now, always, and especially

When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,

But they are far more – I call

Them a vocation.

My owners mood is

Romantic – I lie near their

Feet. I fart a big one.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com

Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A – Under the vacuum cleaner.

Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner
may elect to be the preacher or celebrant; the loser may elect to defend
the pulpit or the lectern.

The Entrance Hymn: A Multitude Comes from the East and West

The Setting Forth of the Rules

Any acolyte found to be in illegal motion will be assessed a
5-yard penalty or the loss of one candle
Offering plates may only move laterally; only the Peace may
be passed.
The celebrant may fake a hand-off to the lay reader and read
the lessons himself, provided changes in audible signals are
given.
A sermon in excess of 18 minutes will be regarded as Delay
of Service and the preacher may lose possession of the pulpit.
Gate receipts may be gathered during the halftime show.
Ushers may blitz either the celebrant or the preacher only
during announcements.
Unconfirmed communicants (ineligible receivers) may be
restricted to wafers.
The celebrant may be awarded three points for correctly
announcing the Super Bowl Sunday alternate title: The
Conversion of St. Paul.

The Lessons

Exodus 14:22: Israelites make quarterback sneak across Red Sea

Ephesians 6:14-17 Dressing players with proper equipment

Matt. 28:16-20 The sending forth of the eleven

The Hymn of the Day: Pass it on

The Sermon: Gods Game Plan: A Play-by-Play for You

Halftime Entertainment: The choir, organist, and handbells

The Distribution

If the pastor is trapped behind the altar railing, the laity score a
safety and the remainder of the service will be played out on the chancel
steps.

The 2-Minute Warning (played by the chimes)

Benediction and Closing cheers.

It is further suggested that this service should be videotaped so that
instant replays of the sermon can be used to judge the doctrinal
soundness of the preachers strategy. Also, a carry-in dish tailgate
party may be held in the church parking lot.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .. And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said, Why? Dont ye believe me?!

La familia entera iba de vacaciones: el papá, la mamá, los niños y hasta la abuela. Ya llevaban varias horas de viaje y estaban todos cansados, especialmente los niños, que desde que parten comienzan a preguntar: ¿cuánto falta para que lleguemos? Bueno, esto hay que imaginárselo en inglés, ya que el viaje era por los Estados Unidos, y estaban viajando desde el norte hacia la cálida Florida. El padre de familia, y conductor, ya estaba con las bolas por el piso con los niños, por lo que decidió parar en la primera playa que encontraran. Para su sorpresa, ésta era de nudistas, pero no les importó. Se sacaron la ropa y partieron a disfrutar del sol. De pronto la niña menor vuelve y le pregunta a la mamá:

¿Mamá, por qué unas señoras tienen los pechos más grandes que otras?

Porque tienen más dinero, hijita.

Ah, ya entendí.

Al rato la niñita vuelve y le pregunta a la mamá:

¿Mamá, por qué hay señores que tienen la cosa larga y otros que la tienen más cortita?

Porque los que la tienen más larga son más inteligentes.

Ah, ya entendí.

Y la niña volvió a jugar con su castillo de arena. Minutos más tarde la pequeña viene donde la mamá corriendo y le cuenta muy nerviosa:

¡Mamá, mamá! ¡Papá está sentado conversando con una señora millonaria y se está poniendo cada vez más inteligente!

A Kid was walking to the bathroom, when he saw through the slightly open door, his mother was in there. She was buck naked and looking into the mirror while rubbing her breasts and moaning I want a man. I NEED a man!.

The next day, the same thing happens: the kid is about to enter the bathroom and sees his mother rubbing her naked body in front of the mirror I want a man. I NEED a man



But the next day, when the kid is on the way to the bathroom, his passes his mothers bedroom, where some guy is humping her while she screams I got a man, OH GOD, I got a man!!.



The kid immediately runs to the bathroom, stripping off his clothes on the way, then stands in front of the mirror rubbing his body saying I want a bicycle. I NEED a bicycle!….