Old and New Jokes

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

Oops. Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I cant remember WHEN Ive been that drunk!

5 jews and a car go over a cliff why is this a problem?

3 mor could have fit in the car

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?

   PAUL LYNDE: Hes out of town.

2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie Whats The Matter With Helen? Who plays Helen?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-thats why they asked the question.

3. What are dual-purpose cattle good for that other cattle arent?

   PAUL LYNDE: They give milk … and cookies, but I dont recommend the cookies.

4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

   PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: Ill lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

6. Robert Young recently stated, I never, never give … something to his fans who ask for it. What?

   PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy.

7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was one of the best things I ever did. What was it?

   MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.

8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

   PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?

    CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?

    PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.

12. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.

    CHARLEY WEAVER:This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

13. Youre on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?

    PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

14. If youre going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

    CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

15. Do female frogs croak?

    PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

16. Youve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

    DON KNOTTS: Thats whats been keeping me awake.

17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?

    PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four.

18. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.

    PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

    PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.

20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?

    PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

One day President Clinton was on an airplane with a Jew and a Russian. The plane started dropping. President Clinton took a bomb and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Jew took a bottle of wine and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Russian took the Jew and threw him out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.

A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say Its because the watch is on your right hand.

The man puts the watch on his left hand and says Oh there we go!

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times havent changed at all!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!

Three Wishes

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when poof a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, says the guy. The genie wasnt sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

Guy, the genie said, You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. Whats your second wish.

Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.

Thats easy, Guy, says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldnt think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

Genie, the guy said, I cant think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.

Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I cant escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when youre ready, and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar? She heard the drinks were on the house.