Old and New Jokes

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

— singer Mariah Carey.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.

— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22.

I havent committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued… Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.

— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history… this centurys history…We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.

— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.

— Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator.

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. Its only the people who make them unsafe.

— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

Ive always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.

— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to…to…cut it off, are you???!?

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.

An Eskimo has his snowmobile breakdown while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in about an hour.

When he come back, the mechanic say It looks like you have blown a seal

The Eskimo says No, thats just a little frost on my moustache.

A blonde goes to a doctor and
tells that both his ears are burnt. Sit down and tell me how it
happened, said the doctor.

Well, I was ironing my clothes, when I received a call and instead of
picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear.

But thats one ear what about the other?

The sucker called again!!

10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.



8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.



7. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.



6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is An apple a day.



5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.



4. The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.



3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.



2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little Ms on them.



1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Your momma is so fat . . .

She fell in love and broke it.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Diploma!
Diploma who?
Diploma to fix the leak!

When a lie fails, the truth saves what remained.

The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!

JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.

Main features

Miracles
Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
users browser if the current browser does not support a certain
feature of the language.

Polymorphic constants
Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the OS
usually signals errors by non-zero return values, while normal
programming logic relies on non-zero values for success. Instead of
clumsy constructs like:

err = OpenFile(…);
if (err != 0) …

You can write

believe(0 != 0);
// the interpreter will take care of the complementary assignment,
// since you cant have everything equal to everything
if (OpenFile(…)) …

A powerful alert system
Some users just dont give a hoot about those angry alert-boxes that
you put up. JS provides unrivaled UI elements for coercing the user to
cooperate, going all the way from text alerts to fire and brimstone
showers.

var nTimes = 0;
function submitForm() {
if (! parseInt(document.form1.field1)) {
nTimes++;
if (nTimes < 3)
alert(Please enter a number);
else
strikeByLightning(k200Volts);
}
}

Error collection
This is a unique model of exception handling: rather than setting
handlers for individual errors, 1 in every 365 program cycles is
dedicated to collecting fatal errors and resetting shared resources.

Prayers
You can actively set preconditions via the prayer mechanism:

function average(inArray) {
var sum = 0;
for (i = 0; i < inArray.length; i++)
sum += inArray[i];

pray(inArray.length != 0);
return (sum / inArray.length); // will never fail for a righteous user
}

Data Blessing
JS allows you to bless variables. This is very different from Perls
blessing, and in a way takes more after Perls notion of data
tainting. Blessed variables are never equal to zero, never involved
in runtime errors and never participate in situations that trigger
alerts.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

A: Because red means Stop, wrong hole.